The Queenosheba Speaks

FIVE IMPORTANT WORDS TO REMEMBER FOR A HEALTHY MARRIAGE

2009-04-30T08:46:00.002-04:00

THE FIVE MOST IMPORTANT WORDS TO REMEMBER IN A MARRIAGE

TRUST If you can't trust your partner, your relationship is in serious trouble. I'm not just talking about fidelity or lying to each other. Knowing that each of you are pulling your weight in the relationship without constant supervision… paying the bills, taking care of the kids, getting the oil checked, putting the tube back on the toothpaste.

FORGIVE No marriage runs smoothly all the time. Big hurts and small slights are going to happen. You will never have a healthy relationship if you cannot forgive and move past these things. Forgiving is more for your own benefit than your spouses and forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. Let it go, but don’t let it happen again.

COMPROMISE You are two individuals bound by love. But you were raised in different settings, have opposite opinions and don't have the same tastes. So you have to learn how to mediate a middle ground that will give both of you satisfaction. And it can’t just be one partner who is doing all the compromising. Remember, you’ve got to give a little to get a little and no one is perfect. Not even you.

LAUGHTER If you don't share the same sense of humor, you're sunk. You need to be able to laugh together, at each other and at each other. Sometimes, a situation that could turn into a senseless argument can be diffused with a little humor. Being able to laugh when things are rough helps release tension. And laughter, when you’re sharing a private joke, is wonderfully intimate.

BERTHA This is the name of your future cell-mate slash girlfriend in the pen after you're convicted of killing your husband. How do you avoid bunking with Bertha? Communication. Don't let things fester. If he's doing something that's driving you crazy, tell him. You may find out that you're pretty annoying too, and he's been hovering over your sleeping form with a pillow clutched tightly in his hands. If you can't let each other know what you need, what you want or why the way he cracks his gum could lead to his premature demise, your marriage won't succeed. If you can't communicate productively, get some counseling.

Your mailbox is full

2009-04-10T17:35:00.004-04:00

The other day at work, I decided to check my personal email. And I had ten items waiting for me.... all FROM me. Remind the older son to pick up his sports pictures from the high school office... don't forget to pick up vitamins at the store... an idea for the morning show... and a few other things I needed to remember. Either I'm getting old and forgetful, or I just send myself emails to make myself feel popular.

Since I'm already incredibly well-liked, I'm going to have to assume it's the former. Then I began to wonder why someone who can remember the name of Hitler's dog (Blondie) and all of the state capitols, cannot remember the day-to-day details of her own life. I also send myself voicemails, email myself at my work address and fill my work bag with post-it notes.

I've always been absent-minded. I wrote it off to my considerable intellect, and got used to setting the alarm clock ten minutes earlier so I would have time to look for my car keys each morning. But it has gotten so much worse lately. So, now the question comes down to, am I just getting older or is the mailbox in my life and my head so perpetually full that, like Outlook, it simply stops accepting new messages?
Probably both.

On the drive home from work today, I thought of a very clever line to finish this post with. But since I can't email myself or write a note while driving, and I've lost my cell phone that has a voice recorder on it, I got nothing.

FIVE THINGS WOMEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MEN

2009-03-29T16:04:00.004-04:00

1. Sometimes a hot dog is just a hot dog
Other than getting sex, men really don’t have a lot of ulterior motives. Just take what they say at face value. Really. Your life will be so much simpler.

2. They get PMS, too
Everybody has a bad day or gets crabby. Don’t disrespect their moods. They’re just as real as yours, but without the physical misery.

3. Men are literal creatures
You think the problem is that he’s not listening. But a lot of the time, the problem is you’re assuming he knows what you want. Example: One morning, before my husband left for work, I said, “The bank deposit is on the counter”. That night when I came home, it was still there. I said, “Why didn’t you make the bank deposit?”. He said, “You didn’t tell me to”. As the mother of sons, I swear to you that you have to be very literal when speaking to men. Other than sexual, they don’t get innuendo, subtle hints or cryptic messages. Be very clear when you need something.

4. They don't pay a lot of attention to detail
That doesn’t mean you can pull the wool over their eyes. They’re really smarter than you give them credit for. But they just don’t care about a lot of the same details that you do. So unless it involves your kids not getting picked up from practice or habitually forgotten birthdays, just accept it and move on.

5. Don't take everything they do so personally
I know it seems like they stay up all night long thinking of ways to torture us, but it’s not true. It’s just that sometimes they don’t think. You just have to learn to tell the difference between what is unintentional and what isn’t.

FIVE THINGS MEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

2009-03-29T15:55:00.005-04:00

1. Not everything we do and say is about sex
Seriously, we do Kegel exercises only because we don’t want to wear Depends when we’re in our forties. And when we tell you to put the hot dogs back in the refrigerator, it’s not an invitation to the boudoir, we really want those $5 a package Ball Parks back in the frig.

2. Our hormonal highway rides aren’t a picnic for us either.
At least you can get away from us. We’ve got nowhere to go.

3. You actually need to listen what we’re saying 95% of the time
It’s funny to joke with your buddies about how women talk all the time about nothing, but really, it’s only about 5% of the time… so, feel free to tune out about our awesome $20 brown suede boots or how much we can’t stand Becky’s new boyfriend, but pay attention the rest of the time because 95% of the time what you weren’t listening to, will be the basis for a future fight.

4. We pay attention to detail
Do you really think you can pull one over on us? You may assume the pair of mens’ underwear under your side of the bed belongs to you, but if we find a hair on your pillow that’s one shade different than ours, we’re at the DNA lab. And most of the time, the reason you don't know that we know right away, is because we’re also pretty good at denial.

5. Actions speak louder than words
You can tell us you love us a thousand times a day. But it doesn’t mean a thing if you don’t show us how much you love us. Give us a back rub that’s just a backrub. Take the kids to their playdate to give us some private time. Go to a musical with us. Be nice to our idiot brother.

What Would Jesus Do?

2009-03-23T18:09:00.005-04:00

I'm not Catholic. If I met the Pope on the street and he wasn't wearing his pointy hat, I wouldn't recognize him. I ask the Lord to forgive my debts instead of my trespasses. I try to live a Christian life, but I do not attend church on a regular basis. Like Emily Dickinson, I keep the Sabbath staying at home.

But my lack of desire to worship with my fellow man has not dampened the sorrow I feel for the many Catholics in Northeast Ohio who are about to lose their home parish. These parishes are family traditions and refuges in neighborhoods that aren't so neighborly anymore. Not only do they tend the flock, many of them educate the young. When I think about the senior citizens who used to walk to church who will now have to find transportation to another church, it breaks my heart.

Maybe because I don't practice the faith, I shouldn't be judging their actions. I just think it's a shame that one of the wealthiest non-profit organizations in the world cannot come up with the money to keep churches open to give people aid and comfort during these dark times. Perhaps they've forgotten that these people they're turning out are the same people who continued to abide by the Catholic faith when scandal after scandal rocked its foundations.

Financially, closing parishes may make sense, but spiritually, it's never prudent to cut back on hope.

What scary movies teach you

2009-02-28T13:35:00.007-05:00

My boys have been bugging me for the past year to rent scary movies... like "The Ring" or "The Grudge" and I've been very adamant about not giving in to them. First and foremost, most of the big horror flicks are way too frightening and inappropriate. And second, I'm the world's biggest chicken when it comes to scary stuff, especially if they have creepy little kids in them.

Now that Sam is 11, I thought we'd try out a few mild scary movies to test the waters. Over the past month or so, we've watched "Ghost Rider", "The Others", "Alien", "Poltergeist" and "The Sixth Sense". Only the last two have done any serious freaking out on the boys. They asked me if I'd go into the light after them (absolutely) and why don't people turn on the lights when they go into an empty room (that's just what people in scary movies do).

Because I'm always looking for an opportunity to educate my children, with each movie we established a list of rules for not letting the monsters/ghosts/aliens get you. And they are:

1) NEVER, EVER MAKE A DEAL WITH SATAN. He is one bad dude and you should avoid him at all costs. Nothing is ever worth giving up your soul.

2)NEVER, EVER SEPARATE FROM THE GROUP… OR GO BACK FOR THE CAT. Safety in numbers and you can always get another pet. When they get older I'll add the teen slasher corollary... never sneak off to have sex with a skank because those are the kids the serial killer goes after. It's always the nice, non-skanky girls who live.

3) IF A VOICE IN THE HOUSE TELLS YOU TO GET OUT, GET OUT! I paused "Poltergeist" after Carol Ann got sucked into the TV and told the kids, "If that ever happens to one of you, the rest of us are packing up and leaving. You don't argue with evil spirits. And besides, you should have listened when I told you to stop sitting so close to the TV!"

4) IF ADULTS (ESPECIALLY DEAD ONES) SHOW AN UNHEALTHY INTEREST TOWARD YOU, RUN AWAY (BUT NOT TOWARD THE LIGHT) Live adults who pay an inordinate amount of attention to you may be pedophiles. Run, run, run!

5) IF YOU SEE DEAD PEOPLE, TELL YOUR MOTHER IMMEDIATELY Again, she may abandon you like she would if you were stuck in the TV. But then again, she would probably get you some help and medication.

Pro-weed Pro-tests

2009-02-12T17:56:00.004-05:00

http://www.newsday.com/news/printedition/nation/ny-uskell116031442feb11,0,1961589.story

When I read this story about the legions of marijuana activists who were protesting Kellogg's release of Michael Phelps after the infamous bong photo, I laughed out loud. Stoners protesting by boycotting munchies. What kind of reefer madness is this? Aren't all tokers completely unmotivated and constantly hungry?

Once I stopped chuckling, I read the rest of the article and don't ever tell my kids I said this, but the stoners had a relevant point. Kellogg's hired Phelps despite a DUI conviction. Sure, it happened four years before he signed, and he did his community service to get it expunged from his record (big deal... you can type in "Phelps DUI" on Google and get the scoop), but it is the principle of the thing. The only thing smoking a little weed kills, are brain cells. Driving drunk kills people. If they were willing to take the "he's young and made a mistake" approach to the DUI, then they should be as gracious about the pot.

As a parent, the bong photo and the Kellogg's renunciation of Phelps creates an excellent teaching moment. If you break the law and disrespect your body with drugs, you will lose more than a few brain cells. There are consequences. Unfortunately, they have had to learn this lesson over and over again with the athletes they admire. A year and a half ago, my younger son threw away his Michael Vick jersey when he learned of his conviction for dogfighting.

We were sitting in the car, waiting for the bus when my boys first heard the story and they were visibly disgusted with Phelps, whom they had greatly admired before, during and after the Olympics. I commend Kellogg's for removing Phelps from the cereal boxes that sit in front of kids, every morning on kitchen tables across America. But maybe Kellogg's should have put more thought into making the offer to Phelps in the first place, based on his past behavior. Because if Tony the Tiger shouldn't toke, he shouldn't be driving while tipsy either.

Eight is enough and enough is enough.

2009-02-10T18:50:00.006-05:00

I don't care if she's not married. I don't care if she's living with her parents. I do care that she's carelessly bringing children into this world; children whom she is putting at risk, merely by the way she conceived them. And what I'm really surprised about is that nobody seems to care that she is probably mentally ill.

My birth mother was a paranoid schizophrenic and she continued to have children after she was told it was no longer safe mentally or physically. When my youngest sister was 6 weeks old, she had a major breakdown and we never lived with her as a family, on a full-time basis, again. There are stories of women who kill or abuse their children, but keep having them compulsively. In 1983, Diane Downs tried to kill her three children because they were interfering with her love life, and yet was pregnant at the time of her trial. Because she loved children so much? No, because having children somehow made her the center of the universe. My personal theory is that these woman crave unconditional love and keep having babies to satisfy this craving, which it never does.

Instead of giving her all of this media face-time, she should be getting some one-on-one time with a psychaitrist. Those babies are going to face enough obstacles in their lifetime. Their mother shouldn't be one of them.

The Other Shoe

2009-02-06T19:03:00.007-05:00

My shoes seem to have developed an annoying habit. No matter which pair of shoes I'm looking for, one shoe is always missing. Granted, I'm not very meticulous about putting my shoes back where I originally found them, but I also am not like my children who progressively undress room from room until there is a trail of clothing from the front to the back of the house. And once I noticed this irritating phenomenon, I began putting my shoes in my bedroom closet, by the front door or under the mudroom bench. And every time I came back to them, one shoe had skedaddled. Perhaps if I lived in a house with other females, I could blame them for stealing my shoes one at a time. But I'm surrounded by boys. So, like the Grinch, I puzzed and I puzzed until my puzzler was sore. And then it hit me.

The absence of my footwear was an analogy about my life. All of my life, I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop and destroy any happiness or good fortune I might be enjoying. When I was doing well in school, waiting for the flip-flop of failure would keep me from working harder to move to the top of the class. When I was doing well financially, the pump of poverty kept me from doing something worthwhile with my extra cash, like travelling or investing. When I was in a relationship that made me happy, the boot of breaking-up held me back from giving all of myself, especially the soft marshmellowy middle, to someone else. And when it came to the writing career I so desperately wanted, the mule of mediocrity never let me devote the time and resolve necessary to pursue my dream.

Don't get me wrong. That other shoe has fallen a quite few times and really kicked me in the ass every now and then. But I think it's time to stop being afraid of the other shoe and focus on what I needed it for in the first place. To go somehere. To accomplish something. To be with the people I care about. So from now on, instead of roaming through the house, cursing that damn shoe, I'll just go back the closet and find another pair.

Wide Load

2009-01-14T17:52:00.003-05:00

Was it when my shirts wouldn't stretch out over my belly anymore or when I discovered there was only one pair of jeans left that I could fit into and even then I had to lie down to zip them up? Either one of those events, which occurred around mid-October, alerted me to my rapidly increasing weight. But rather than address the problem, I bought more (larger) sweatpants and set my sights on the New Year as the date to start my diet.

I shoveled in the food and counted down the days and after Christmas, I suffered the final indignity. The behind-the-head ear muffs I got from Santa popped right off because OMG! MY HEAD WAS FAT TOO! So, on January 5th (you never start your diet on the 1st because of all those NYE leftovers, you go for the 2nd or the next available Monday) I sucked it up and put myself on a healthy diet and exercise program. And I'm doing pretty well. Not beating myself up if I miss one exercise session or snark a Pringles out of my son's hand in passing. Just keep on keeping on.

Now, hopefully, by Monday, I'll get the courage to weigh myself. After two weeks of dieting, it shouldn't be that terrible. If I'd weighed myself on the 5th, I would have sunk into a depression so deep, even a rope of Sara Lee Cheesecakes couldn't have pulled me out. But I can tell that my hard work has been paying off. This morning, I was able to zip my jeans in the vertical position.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

"Diet is 'die' with a T" - Garfield

So tired of the left wing media

2008-10-02T12:30:00.002-04:00

Or should I say, so tired of people complaining about the "left wing" media. "It's so one-sided!" they moan. But what they don't get is that the only side the media are on, is their own. It's all about the money and if you think there is any other motivation behind their tactics, you're not paying enough attention the dung they're trying to get you to swallow.

Let's face it, the press sliced up Bill Clinton as gleefully as they're dissecting Sarah Palin right now. The problem lies with the volume of media available. The news is the news is the news. It's a simple story based on the facts. And if you're all putting out the same facts, how do you make yourself stand out from your competition? You add opinion, you dig deeper for insignificant facts and make them sound relevant and important. And when you're competitors go chasing after a story, you make sure you either get their first or stay in step with them, no matter how stupid or incorrect the story may be. Did anyone check the facts on the Palin book banning story? No, it just sounded deliciously wicked, so they ran with it. Should lipstick and pigs really matter when our country is going to hell in a handbasket? They just love to take things out of context and spew them out over and over again.

Sure, there are some announcers/personalities that lean a little to the left or the right. And you're going to really notice that lean when it sways over on the opposite side of your politics. If you're looking for a news show that offers an equal view of both sides, go to "The Daily Show". We all know what Jon Stewart's politics are, but on his show, they make fun of both parties. I think "The Daily Show" should be your litmus test to see if you've lost the ability to look at both sides of an issue, no matter what your politics are. If you can laugh at the jokes about your candidate, then you're okay. If not, well then, you've lost sight of how absurd the process is and how it is up to you as a responsible voter to dig deeper than a few sound bites to find out where the candidates really stand on the issues.

I'm a slogger!

2008-09-25T12:29:00.004-04:00

I haven't posted anything on this blog in over a year! So, that make's me a slacker blogger or "slogger" for short. Or if you want to reference the great locker room scene from "Bull Durham", I'm a "lollyblogger". Hmmm... maybe my new words will be added to the next addition of Merriam Webster's Dictionary. Seriously.

Speaking of seriously, it's the "Grey's Anatomy" season premiere tonight. I am so excited I just can't hide it! After the hideousness that was "Gizzie" and the perpetual whininess of Meredith, I was almost ready to give up on the whole group at Seattle Grace. But then Meredith went to see Amy Madigan (she's who I'd pick to be my therapist if I had issues) and has seen the error of her ways, Izzie hooked up with Alex, Callie hooked up with Hahn and everything started to look up again!

If you've seen the promos, you've heard Rose declare that she is carrying McDreamy's child. According to Shonda Rhimes, there is nothing that will separate Mer and Der this year, so that scene must be sort of some kind of dream sequence, hence the name of the episode, "Dream a Little Dream". And if you look closely during the same promo, when you see Meredith all hysterical (hysteria is so much better than whining) outside of the hospital room, the guy on the table that they're working on is Derek. Another dream? Or is the episode all Derek's dream while deciding whether or not to run toward the light with Denny and Dylan? We shall see!

What other TV stuff is going on? Ted McGinley was kicked off "DWTS". No surprise there. Not that he was terrible, but he has no fan base. My prediction for next week is that either Cloris (love her, but she needs to go) and Kim Kardashian(beautiful girl, but she cannot dance) will be sent home. My top four? Toni, Lance, Misty and Warren. Although according to TMZ, Warren is causing all kinds of problems behind the scenes. He seems like a nice guy, but away from the cameras he acts like a primadonna. Sad. My kids really like him.

Now for a visit to my literary side. I finally read all of the Harry Potter books. They were FABULOUS! Encourage your kids to read them, then read them yourself. And no, they are not anti-Christian novels. There is no devil worshipping or Wicca meetings. Just a great story of the eternal battle between good and evil.

My favorite quote of the day "Revolutionaries wait for my head on a silver plate"
(from my current favorite tune on my iPod, "Viva La Vida" by Coldplay)

I'm a slogger!

2008-09-25T12:29:00.001-04:00

Boiling my potato!

2007-08-29T12:08:00.000-04:00

I have to admit that I'm a very irritable. And not just at certain times of the month.

And it really irritates me when my co-workers can't spell, don't know the appropriate place for an apostrophe, or don't change the roll of toilet paper.

But the one thing that seriously boils my potato, are the idiots who don't know how to microwave popcorn! Come on, people, it's not freaking rocket science!

We've had the same damn microwave for over five years. It has a popcorn button. And hey, after the first time you are nauseated by the smell of burnt popcorn wafting through the hallways, don't you think you'd realize the stupid popcorn button is not accurate and wait for your popcorn to finish? That's just four minutes out of your day as opposed to three hours of your co-workers inhaling the awful stench of your stupidity.

I just read a memo from the Seattle City justice center, letting the employees know that if they don't stop burning the popcorn, triggering the smoke alarms and causing a building-wide evacuation (which in a government building includes criminals; in a corporation, they hope you burn to death so they can stop paying your benefits) they will be forced to ban microwave popcorn. The final line of the memo? "Listen to the pop, to know when to stop". That is right up there with, "turn around, don't drown". Does everything have to rhyme for idiots to understand it? What are we looking at next? The Dr. Seuss version of your Miranda rights?

Sigh.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

If you're too stupid to pop a bag of popcorn in the microwave, you aren't smart enough to be employed. I think it should be listed as allowable grounds for dismissal in the employee handbook.

Music running through my head

2007-08-20T18:59:00.000-04:00

My head has been eclectic mosh pit of tunes lately. My top 5 platters this week:

1) The Essential Simon and Garfunkel. "America" and "Bridge Over Troubled Water" just smooth all the wrinkles out of my day.

2) Cabaret: The original movie soundtrack. I remember my mom and dad taking us to the drive-in to see this movie. Shortly after, my mother bought the album and we used to perform all of the songs. Make fun of Liza Minelli and her marriage to the freakish David Guest, but when you listen to "Maybe This Time", you realize what a talent she truly was.

3) The Paul Simon Collection. A by-product of the S&G cd? No, just memories of my best friend's late mother. Listening on those big ol' headphones to "Kodachrome" and "Loves me Like a Rock" just as my music tastes were forming and expanding like the sides of an active volcano.

4) The Traveling Wilbury's Collection. What a collection of talent! And you can even understand Bob Dylan! Sort of. Sure, there are only three songs I keep listening to over and over again, but they just make me feel all perky and happy.

5) "Punk Rock Girl" by the Dead Milkmen. Discovered this wonderful tune on a mix that I created based on They Might Be Giants. It's bouncy, it's clever and let's face it, how many song lyrics mention Minnie Pearl? You've got to love that.

I'm Back!!!

2007-08-19T20:15:00.000-04:00

Yes, after a long silence due to an unbearably slow computer and an incredibly busy life, I'm back!

I went back-to-school shopping this weekend with my kids. Granted, I had the lists earlier than normal this year, but my husband had his knee replaced, I had to replace one of my co-workers and my extended family has suffered many illnesses. So, I was a wee bit behind. And I dreaded going out to shop among the last-minute slackers. But I learned a valuable lesson.

In a world that is so full of people, there are far too many of us who behave like we're the only human beings on the planet. For example, I'm shopping at one of my favorite new stores and as I'm proceeding down the very wide aisle, I was brought to a complete halt by two women who were perusing and exchanging items between their carts. Now, they could have pulled off to the side and done this, but noooooooo, they chose to place their carts diagonally across the aisle, completely blocking the path. I stood there, waiting for like three minutes. Both of them saw me but neither moved out of the way so I could get through. Finally, in a huff, I stormed back down the way I came. Oh, did I also mention they had a three year old standing up in the back of one cart? Not only were they inconsiderate, they were stupid.

After this incident, I began to really pay attention to those who abandon their carts in the middle of the aisle while they peruse labels, take up two parking spaces, don't pay attention to traffic lights and generally just go through life like they're the only inhabitants on this planet.
Come on, people! There are too many of us for you to behave this way! And I know my complaints, in the whole scheme of things, are small. But when you look at it on a larger scale, these are the same people who cause the five car pile-ups on the interstate or stand by while someone is robbed or assaulted.

But in the middle of all this self-absorption, I found one glowing spark of humanity. As I was selecting the 24 count colored pencils from the bin at Target, another mom said, "There are colored pencils in this bin that are on sale for 78 cents." I told her my older son needed the larger pack and that they too were also on sale and I thanked her. See? Was that so hard? She took two minutes out of her busy day to lend a hand. Imagine how much nicer the world would be if everyone took two or more minutes a day to be helpful to someone. And you know, it kind of gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling, too.

A few other notes... now is the time to catch up on "Ugly Betty" before the new season begins...
same thing for "Grey's Anatomy" and "House". "World Trade Center" vs. "United 93"... "United 93" is the definitive 9/11 movie because it brought back to life the horribleness of that day for the victims and the helpless onlookers.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

What goes around, comes around. Usually we only use that saying when we're referring to people who have done harm. But it works for performing kindnesses, too.

Three couples and a baby

2007-01-26T12:22:00.000-05:00

"Grey's Anatomy" was soooo good last night! Izzie has put Denny's money to good use and Bailey can feel like she's making a difference. Derek and Meredith weather their first fight as a real couple. McSteamy decides to hang around and throw his hat in the ring for chief, and while you think to yourself, "He's such a dick, how will he get the boss job?", you know there are far too many dicks already in power. Like the two in the White House.

Ooops, almost got sidetracked with anti-Bush sentiment. Back to Grey's. Addison is also pursuing the chief's job. And Alex told her to stop avoiding him. He only kissed her back because she was the boss and he wants in on more surgeries. I'm glad the evil Alex is back. I like him better. But the biggest stories of the night were George's and Burke's respective proposals.

Christina, finally realizing you can concede a few battles and still win the war, gave in and spoke to Burke. His first words back to her were "Marry me". Christina looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Will she say "yes"? I don't think so. She may have decided she's willing to allow a long-term relationship to co-exist with her professional ambitions, but I don't see her making a matrimonial committment. On the other hand, old homophobic Isaiah may not be long for the show. She may say yes, they kill him off and she becomes even more bitter and cynical than she is now. And that would be cool too, because I like bitter Christina better than soft-hearted Christina.

And George, after riding Callie like the motorized pony in front of Walmart, has decided that he doesn't just want to make wild, monkey love with her. Her presence alone makes him feel better (like he couldn't just say that instead of making her walk funny). He loves her and wants to marry her. Now, if she hesitates because he's still distraught over the loss of his father, that's understandable because I wouldn't marry a man in the throes of grief over the death of a loved one... well, maybe I would if he was due to inherit a lot of money. But, I don't think she trusts him enough to marry him, but she is possibly insecure enough to say yes.

But what do Lucky and Elizabeth from "General Hospital" have to do with "Grey's Anatomy"? Other than they're both TV shows that are centered around the medical profession. Nothing.

I am just tired of Elizabeth's hem-hawing over whether or not to come clean about the father of her baby. "I don't want Lucky" but "I can't bring myself to tell Jason he's the father". The couples on "Grey's" will have been married, unfaithful to each other, divorced and remarried by the time mewling Elizabeth makes up her mind. The Metro Court hotel is due to blow up and I hope at least one, if not all of this annoying triangle perish in the flames.

I so need to get a life. Seriously. Oh, did you know you could watch Grey's on-line if you miss it on Thursday? Good quality, and you can choose your segments.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

I got this email yesterday and laughed my butt off.

BUSH BUMPER STICKERS

1. 1/20/09: End of an Error

2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

3. Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First

4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant.

8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore

11. America : One Nation, Under Surveillance

12. Jail to the Chief

13. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq ?

14. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

15. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

16. Is It Vietnam Yet?

17. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

18. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

19. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

20. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

21. One Nation Under Clod

22. Bush Never Exhaled

23. At Least Nixon Resigned

Just when you thought it couldn't get any better...

2007-01-19T12:31:00.000-05:00

WHO IS THIS WOMEN AND WHAT HAS SHE DONE WITH DANIEL MEADE'S BROTHER, ALEX?

If you did not watch "Ugly Betty" last night, I will not spoil it for you. But if you did watch, OHMYGOD!!!!!

I never saw it coming! Of course, next week is a rerun, so we'll have to wait until February (sweeps) for a new show, but it was so good! You know, good entertainment is so hard to find on television. And "Ugly Betty" is a fine of example of good television. If you're not a viewer, do yourself a favor and get "ugly".

GREY'S ANATOMY SEWS IT UP

Using their always excellent whip-stitch, Grey's wrapped up all the loose ends from the beginning of the season last night. And they tied it all up with the death of George's father. I cried for the entire last half-hour of the show. Nine years ago, this week, I lost my dad, so it really hit home. I loved the brother farting outside of the hospital room and the story was handled in such a wonderful manner. And it affected everyone at Seattle Grace... reminding them that life is short, so stop sweating the small stuff. Burke took the first step out of his silence with Christina. Meredith finally confronted her father. McSteamy realized he wouldn't have made a good father. (although I found this storyline to be a little too flimsy and a little too late to be a thread in the McSteamy/McDreamy/Addison

triangle). George grew closer to Callie, who gave up an excellent surgical opportunity to be with him. And Izzie and Bailey realized that getting personally involved with your patients is often unavoidable, but okay as long as you don't cross the line. I can't wait until next week. Back to sex and freaky medical cases.

This week was just too deep for me.

QUICKIE DVD REVIEW

Are you one of those sick and twisted bastards who laugh everytime Kenny gets killed on South Park? Then you will love "Team America", the all-puppet movie from the creators of South Park. It is wrong on so many levels. It is rude, crude, violent and there's puppet sex. But it's freaking hilarious! If you're easily offended, do NOT watch this DVD. And just because it's puppets, IT IS NOT FOR THE KIDS!

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

Last night, when George told Christina he couldn't imagine living in a world where his father didn't exist, she told him that feeling never goes away. And she's right. Even nine years later, I still miss my father terribly. Two weeks ago, someone sent us a family video with him in it briefly, and it brought immediate tears to my eyes to see him. Unfortunately, you couldn't hear his voice. Which made me sad because I would dearly love to hear my father's voice again.

A day late and a dollar short

2007-01-16T12:19:00.000-05:00

I forgot to talk about last Thursday's "Grey's Anatomy"! Bad fan, bad fan!

First off, the whole George's dad story is breaking my heart. Intellectually as a doctor, he knows what's going to happen. But as a son he just cannot deal with it. When he couldn't go into the room after the surgery, I bawled. Well, according to my dear old departed dad (gone 9 years as of today), I would cry at a basketball game if my team was winning.

But even as I can empathize with George's pain, I am sick and tired of his flip-flopping with Callie. She, too, is guilty of being wishy-washy. When George decides to commit, she wants no part of him. Then when she wants him back, he's through with her. So what if she slept with McSteamy? Like, who hasn't? From what I've seen so far, the real reason he moved to the West Coast was not to follow Addison, it was because he'd banged everyone on the East Coast and was looking for new meat. Either boink or get off the pot! Geez.

The snoring storyline was very cute. But again, Meredith is too whiny for my taste. Let the poor man sleep in another room if you can't stop snoring. To hell with your abandonment issues, the dude's job literally is brain surgery, he needs his rest! And would you please just put on your big girl panties and confront your father? Your mother has balls, why don't you?

I do love Christina and Burke's war of silence. While I agree with Addison that it is "pathetic", it was so sweet to see her sleeping on the couch in his room. And thank goodness, Izzie finally put that damned check in the bank. What is she going to do with all that money? Hmmm. That was pretty apparent when she and Bailey happened upon the mother who was fighting with the insurance company.

Perhaps all of my gripes will be answered in the second part of this episode on Thursday. Probably not. We're around the corner from sweeps. Gotta leave us dangling!

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

America Ferrara's acceptance speech for her Golden Globe award. All teenage girls who may be awkward or chunky or different need to listen to this speech and remember that just because you're not a size 2 or a cheerleader, you are still beautiful, worthy of love and capable of achieving greatness . Pretty is truly only skin-deep and age evens the playing field. So play up your strengths instead of dwelling on what you consider to be your weakness and you will be a force to reckoned with.

The Riddler Strikes Again!

2007-01-15T18:44:00.000-05:00

Remember that annoying Batman movie with Val Kilmer and Nicole Kidman? In the movie's defense, I can't stand Val Kilmer, so I tend to find any movie with him in it, annoying. Except for "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang".

My point, Vanessa? Oh yes, the Riddler created a device that would drain the brains of Gotham's citizenry as they watched television. I think that George W. Bush has one of these devices and has begun to use it.

After his speech Wednesday evening about his "new plan" for the Iraq War, my mother told me she thought he had a point because if we don't fight this war over there, they're going to be bringing it over here.

Uh, isn't that the same arguement he used originally to hornswaggle everyone into this war? And my mother hasn't shown any signs of Alzheimer's, so I've got to assume that Bush has purchased one of those brain scrambler devices from the Riddler. I also watched him on "60 Minutes" on Sunday (I covered my head in tinfoil to "foil" the Riddler's device) and guess what? He's still an arrogant ass.

DVD Review

"Lucky # Slevin" Filled with a slew of big names such as Morgan Freeman, Bruce Willis, Ben Kingsley and Josh Hartnett, this movie has a dark and twisty plot that is given away in the first ten minutes of the movie. If you really pay attention, that is. And the end is wrapped up a little too sweetly for a movie of this genre. Other than that, it's fun to watch and when the pieces do come together in the end, it's enjoyable to pat yourself on the back for being so clever.

YOU on a Diet update!

I haven't been griping about the new eating habits because other than the higher grocery bill...

can you explain to me why food with less stuff in it costs more?... it's not been like a diet at all.

So today was the two week mark and I've lost 9 pounds and 2 inches off my waist. I also feel better and don't get indigestion as often as I used to. But other than not feeling like I'm starving to death, the most surprising part was how yummy some of this good-for-you food is! Okay, so honestly, a bag of Ruffles and a tub of French Onion dip will always taste better, but I don't feel like I'm suffering with yucky food.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

It's the one thing all fat girls hate to admit. There are no magical diets or pills out there that will make you thinner overnight. Don't you think if these pills and/or diets actually worked they would even have to advertise? All it would take is one woman telling another and BAM!, the inventors would be multi-billionaires. We all know the truth. The only way to lose weight is to eat less and exercise more. Yeah, it sucks. But when you're 43, it beats the hell out of dying too soon.

Much Ado About Nothing

2007-01-08T12:27:00.000-05:00

PAST-DUE BOOK REVIEW

"Thirteen Moons" by Charles Frazier. This book is the highly-anticipated novel from the man who brought you "Cold Mountain", one of my favorite Civil War era books. Just let me say, "Thirteen Moons" was well worth the wait. As a very old man, Will Cooper recalls his life as an adopted member of an Indian tribe who tries to keep his tribe safe in the Great Smoky Mountains of North Carolina as the United States government steadily pushes the Native Americans westward until it succeeds in wiping them off the map. Will's story as a "great white chief" weaves its way in and out of historic events such as the tragic "Trail of Tears" and the Civil War and intertwines with that of his true love, Claire, whom he first meets when they're both twelve. Frazier tells a good story and his writing is simply lovely.

CAN I SPEAK TO A HUMAN BEING, PLEASE?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We've switched to another prescription plan at work. I couldn't just register on-line, I had to call and finalize my registration. And that meant sitting through a half hour of automated options, none of which included speaking to a REAL PERSON!!!!!!!!! Seriously. Why do I have to wait through five menus for that option? I think to lessen the heart attack and stroke death rate, the government needs to enact a law that requires a universal "press 0" option on every automated phone system that allows you to choose to speak to a REAL PERSON whenever you want to. Somewhere along the line, my civil rights are being violated. I just know it.

MARTIN LUTHER THE KING DAY

If you've seen the movie, "Barbershop", y'all know that MLK day is for gettin' your freak on. I jest. MLK day is to honor the memory of one of the finest persons in our countries history. On MLK day, we should all read "Letters from a Birmingham Jail" and his "I Have A Dream" speech and ponder on what it is that we can do to end prejudice in our corner of the world.
But lo and behold, there are several merchants who are promotiong MLK day sales. What is wrong with these people? Okay, so we've already besmirched the memory of the brave men and women who fought for our freedom with Veterans' Day and Memorial Day sales. And that's wrong, too. But isn't there just one iota of human decency left in America's greedy corporate machine? Silly question.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

There are bad people and there are good people. You can't tell them apart by their gender, their religion, their location or by the color of the skin. They come in all shapes and sizes. The only way to know the difference is to get to know the person. There are so many other reasons than gender, religion, location or color to dislike others. Seriously. (can you tell I'm excited about the new "Grey's Anatomy" tomorrow night? I've so overused the word, "seriously". Like totally)

Shake'n'Bake!

2007-01-04T12:11:00.000-05:00

DVD REVIEWS

If you're in the mood for totally mindless entertainment and a plethora of silly quotable lines, you have got to see "Talladega Nights, the Ballad of Ricky Bobby". You don't have to love (or hate) NASCAR racing to get the jokes. Will Ferrell, as usual, is hysterical and his supporting cast... John C. Reilly, Gary Cole and the others... keep right up with him. And there is an actual story line that makes you care about the characters. Seriously.

And having said, "seriously"... a week from tonight... a new "Grey's Anatomy"... cannot wait!

Another movie I managed to squeeze in last weekend... "The Matador". Pierce Brosnan is an aging hitman on the verge of nervous breakdown. Greg Kinnear is a businessman in Mexico to land the deal that will end his streak of bad luck. Their lives become intertwined in this dark comedy that is as heartbreaking as it is funny. It's kind of hard to watch the usually suave and gorgeous Brosnan play a degenerate jackass, but in the end, you still like the guy.

Book review

Wow, I actually had a lot of time on my hands over the long weekend. I read the new Stephen King novel, "Lisey's Story". Again, Mr. King does not disappoint. Lisey (rhymes with Cee-Cee)
is the widow of a famous writer. Two years after his death, she is finally ready to clean out his study. Soon, she discovers herself in the middle of suppressed memories and a whole other world. Literally. Personal favorite moment? King references one of my favorite obscure literary quotes from D.H. Lawrence "Women in Love"... "it's you who must return, like a dog to its vomit". Damn, that's beautiful.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

I got nothing.

He's a pickin'...

2007-01-03T12:09:00.000-05:00

and I'm a grinnin'! We were talking about Hee Haw at work today and it always makes me smile because it reminds me of my dad. SALUTE!

POST-HOLIDAY TRAUMATIC STRESS SYNDROME

The yearly crash after the sugar-high. The diet to get back in (was I ever "in") shape. But this year, we're more concerned with being healthy than being thin. So, I'm following the "YOU on a Diet"book by those docs who are always on Oprah. It's not a diet, it's a guide to healthier food choices and exercise. You don't measure your weight, you measure your waist. If you've tried every freaking diet on the planet and the word "diet" makes you dive into a carton of Edy's Thin Mint ice cream, try this book. Of course, it's only been two days since I started, but it's okay so far. (those inveterate dieters out there may begin laughing hysterically right now).

And speaking of post-holiday stress, let me share my gift card story with you. My aunt gave me a $30 gift card to Target (said, "Tar-zhay). So, I go to the store and spend a delightful half-hour filling my cart with greatly reduced Christmas decorations, wrappings, etc. When I get up to the check-out, I gleefully hand them the gift card, knowing the whole cart will only cost me about five bucks out-of-pocket. They swipe the card and the card is only worth 3 bucks!

After laughing heartily, because apparently the clerk who waited on my aunt missed a zero when she typed in the amount, I called my aunt, who was horrified. Imagine if she'd given that card to someone in her husband's family. What a cheap bitch she'd look like! The only problem I had was now I was worried about the gift cards I'd handed out. Somewhere out there may be someone calling me a cheap bitch too.

KRAKATOA: THE GAME!

My third-grader has to do a book report about a Disaster. Which is all fine and good. There are many interesting ones to choose from. The Johnstown Flood has always been one of my favorites. He has to do a written report and a project. His project choices include a model, a diorama, a mobile or a GAME. Cheese and rice! How do you make a game out of a disaster?
Apparently, you have to be sick and twisted. Like me. Here are a few ideas I've come up with:

Titanic: Fish the most people out of the North Atlantic to win
The Johnstown Flood Don't Break the Dam
The Chicago Fire of 1871: Beat Mrs. O'Leary's Cow to the Lantern
The San Francisco Earthquake of 1906: If you pass the fault, you collect $200 dollars, but if you land on a quake or fire square, you go directly to cemetary

I know, I need help. Blame it on the lack of trans-fats.

QUICK DVD REVIEW

"Little Miss Sunshine" This movie is the best movie I've seen in the last year. Funny, poignant and a little out-there, it's the story of a family who decides to drive from Arizona to California so little 7 year old Olive can compete in the Little Miss Sunshine contest. The family includes Mom, Dad, older brother Dwayne who has taken a vow of silence, Uncle Frank who recently tried to kill himself and Grandpa who was kicked out of the nursing home for snorting heroin.
The characters do not become caricatures and there is no wallowing in freakish misery, the kind you find in most dysfunctional family indie films and the kind I am totally sick of. "Little Miss Sunshine" is a breath of fresh air for your dreary January.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

If you're not first, you're last. Yes, I stole that from Ricky Bobby's daddy, Reese. And I'll be reviewing that movie tomorrow.

Why can't I be rich instead of beautiful?

2006-11-27T20:10:00.000-05:00

Then I could stay home and make sure my children did their homework the minute they got off the bus. And I wouldn't be stroking out because the oldest one doesn't turn in his assignments.
I could put on a housecoat and draw on lipstick like a clown, go up to the school and sit next to him every day until he got his butt in gear.

But the best part would be, I wouldn't have to work any more for corporate people who provide you with 18th century tools to produce 21st century results. "You rush miracles and you get a lousy miracle" says (not verbatim) Miracle Max. Can't say more. Don't want to get fired for dissing The Man.

While the kids were in school, I would be working on the Great American Novel. Of course, I'd be hunting and pecking it out with my left index finger because the 18th century tools I mentioned earlier, will leave me with a case of carpel tunnel so bad it will make the Wicked Witch of the Wests hand look like she should model for Jergens.

Oops, dissing the man again. Back to my "if I were rich" fantasy. In between writing chapters, Juan the Cabana boy (picture Mario Lopez in a loincloth) would masssage my weary shoulders and unwrap Godiva chocolates for me. Sigh. To (accurately) quote the Beach Boys, "Wouldn't be nice?"

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

Remember Mike Myers playing Linda Richman on SNL? Well, she's a real person and in 2001, she wrote a book called, "I'd Rather Laugh". Do yourself a favor and read it, especially if you're in the kind of mood I'm in today. Lots of laughs and good advice, like everyone is entitled to one day of lying in bed and feeling sorry for themselves. After that, you need to get your ass up and get on with your life. Again, I'm paraphrasing, like I did with Miracle Max, but couldn't think of the right word to describe it. My brain is melting! My brain is melting!

Let me 'splain... no, no, there's too much, let me sum up

2006-11-19T21:15:00.000-05:00

It's been like FOREVER since I've had five minutes to write! And there is so much to cover!

LOSS OF INNOCENCE: My boys had never seen "Sound of Music", so we checked it out of the library and watched it. I told them it was a true story, just like my mother told me it was a true story. We got the deluxe version so we watched the documentary about the movie and the Von Trapps. And guess what? They DID NOT walk over the Alps to get out of Austria, THEY TOOK A TRAIN! Now, I'm a smart girl who knows the difference between real and make-believe and I have Maria's autobiography (just not the time to read it) but ever since I was seven, the Von Trapps traipsed out of Austria, in their little travel costumes (probably made out of the ballroom draperies) over the mountains to a world safe from the Nazi's. Sigh. The very last shred of childhood innocence gone at 43. It is so sad.

LOSS OF SANITY: The Fox Network and some greedy publishers are putting out OJ Simpson's story, "If I did it, this is how it would have happened". Not only is this sick, twisted bid for ratings and money a slap in the face to the Brown and Goldman families, it is an insult to the intelligence of the American people. Or to those of us left in this country. Because you know there are people who will watch this excrement and buy this excrement and put money into the pocket of a man, who if he is not a murderer, is one of the stupidest people alive. Between you and me, I've always believed he was guilty and that eventually either his conscience or his need for attention would drive him to confess to the crime. This latest debacle only reinforces my theory.

LOSS OF MARIO: I know he was technically the better dancer. And he was way, way hot. But it was all too easy for him. There was no room for improvement. That's why Stacy lost last year.
Emmit, while he had more natural talent than Jerry Rice did, he had to work hard to make the grade. And he was so charming and rather hot himself. I loved it when he won and we voted for him. But Mario and Karina (who looks eerily like Mario's mother) were not very good losers. They thought they had it in the bag. Mario's response was dull and sad, but Karina looked seriously pissed and basically she said , "It's okay because I've still got my man and we'll be together forever, I hope." Yeah, well, good luck with that, sister. If you last a week past the competition I'll be surprised. He got what he wanted from you (extra publicity) and he'll soon be moving on.

LOSS OF TIME: Wanted to discuss Grey's, but I need to shower and go to bed. Will definately post something after the big sweeps finale on Thanksgiving. And in lieu of the Queenosheba's wisdom, here is a cool t-shirt I saw in catalog: National Sarcasm Foundation. Like we need your support.

My kingdom for some Xanax

2006-11-01T20:09:00.000-05:00

First of all, thanks to Yllwdaisies for your comments. I'm not sure what proper blog ettiquette is - do I respond in my blog or by email or on your blog? I tried to look it up, but with political season things are very busy at work and motherhood/daughterhood have kept me too busy to even pick up a book this week. But I read some of your blog and loved the car crash on the living room floor pic. And I'm sorry for being too harsh about Izzie. Yeah, she's had it tough and I, too am not quite over Denny yet.

Just a few quickies before I have to go pack my lunch for tomorrow:

A new Grey's this week... thank God! Those damn sweeps whores made us wait, so it had better be good.

Dancing with the Stars. I think Monique's a goner this week. At least I hope so. I want Emmitt and Mario to make it to the final two. Not that Joey doesn't have a hot body or isn't a good dancer, I just don't care for his suck-up attitude with the judges. I'd love to see Emmitt win because he's such a good guy and a good dancer, but Mario's (like Shakira's) hips don't lie!

Barbra Streisand. I'm all about the anti-Bush skits in your shows. But you know, you'd get fewer drinks thrown at you if your ticket prices weren't so high that only Republicans could afford them. Funny aside... one of my friends who is one of those blind, narrow-minded Bushies, brought "Meet the Fochers" to our movie party. He said he liked it even though he couldn't stand Barbra. I said, "Oh, because she's a Democrat" and he said, "No, because she's a Communist." Don't agree, but had to laugh.

Who's sick of all the political ads? Cheer up, only six days to go and it can only get worse. Maybe if I have time tomorrow, I'll put my political ad parodies on here.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

Boys are stupid. My friend didn't believe me until she got one of her own and they started the process of living together. I tried to warn her. But some people have got to learn the hard way.
And I mean that in a totally non-sexual way.

Al Franken was wrong

2006-10-25T10:22:00.000-04:00

Rush Limbaugh is not a big, fat idiot. He is a big, fat piece of excrement. How dare he accuse Michael J. Fox of "acting" or "exaggerating" the symptoms of his Parkinson's Disease for political gain? Even if he skipped his medication to show the people what Parkinson's really looks like, good for him. Let's remember that his medication only lessens his symptoms, they're not a cure and like most maintenance medications, come with the cost of often devastating side-effects.

Again and again, Fox courageously puts himself in the public eye, with all of his symptoms on display, to help find a cure for himself and all the others afflicted with Parkinson's. I'll bet he doesn't care which party supports stem-cell research, he just wants it to become legal. It's not a political fight, it's a fight for his life. And as an aside, it is pitiful that politics has found its way into medicine. From what I've seen of politicians in the last decade, they have no business proclaiming what is moral and what is not. You have to suppose that if stem-cell research provided a cure for head-up-your-ass-itis, even the Republicans would endorse it.

But I digress. I only have a sketchy understanding of Fox and his fight against Parkinson's. But human suffering is universal. Anyone with a progressive, potentially terminal diagnosis essentially goes through the same process. And anyone who qualified as a human being would understand that and applaud Michael J. Fox for his continued work for a cure. It's sad that Rush has to "exaggerate" his lack of compassion to get his spawn-of Satan face back onto the front page.

On the lighter side....

Dancing with the Stars. It's time for Jerry to go. Give the poor man a rest.

Back to the serious....

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/10/19/60minutes/rooney/main2107456.shtml

Filling in for the Supreme Wisdom of the Queenosheba, it's Andy Rooney. Either watch the video or read the transcript. Then forward this link to your congresspeople and senators.

Methinks she doth whine too much

2006-10-23T17:25:00.000-04:00

I was so disappointed by last Thursday's episode of "Grey's Anatomy". It had so much promise and all that happened was Meredith whined, Izzie moped and Derek was a moron. This stuff is the same stuff that's been going on since the first episode of the season!

What the hell did Meredith do with all the time she took off to recover from her appendectomy? It had to be at least three to six weeks. Instead of getting caught up with "General Hospital", she might have picked up the phone and called Derek to let him know she'd given Finn the boot. Did she really think that McDreamy was just sitting around, McDreaming about her? Then she whines about it all day long and when she finally gets a chance to say something, she behaves like she's in third grade. Please. Get your damn hair out of your face, Meredith and act like a woman!

And Izzie has grieved long enough. Laying on the bathroom floor in the prom dress and the muffin baking marathon was more than sufficient. Perhaps her friends should have called for a psych consult after she stood outside the hospital all day long. And this week, she just roamed around the hospital whining about her 8.7 million inheritance and what to do with it. I've got an idea, why not give Meredith a couple hundred to get a haircut? Come on, Izzie, you had the balls to get out of the trailer park and get through medical school debt-free. Get over Denny, put the damn check in the bank and go back to work.

Derek is no longer McDreamy. He's McAnnoying. You love Meredith. Yet you're still agonizing over Addison and McSteamy. Maybe you need a psych consult too. Meredith's revelation in the elevator right after Addison's confession should have made for a passionate, relieved embrace, but no, we have to drag this whole thing out until November sweeps. Sigh.

Even Bailey and Callie (my two favorite characters) were annoying. Bailey caved into that smug doctor's accusations about her hormones and Callie felt guilt over taking a ride on the McSteamy Express. I'm hoping for a better episode this week. The more I watch "Grey's", I find myself longing for the end of the World Series and the return of "House".

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

Put down the remote and pick up a book.

Antonio vs. Mario

2006-10-23T13:10:00.000-04:00

My kids and I are huge fans of "Dancing with the Stars". We got into the show last year when Jerry Rice was on and now they love to watch it because of Emmit Smith. And they know that I am totally infatuated with Mario.

So, Saturday night, we're watching "Take the Lead" with Antonio Banderas and while I was drooling, my youngest son asks, "Mom, who do you like better... Antonio or Mario?"

Hmm. That's not an easy question to answer. Let's weigh the pros and cons:

1. Age Mario is ten years younger. Antonio is 3 years older. Ten years younger means stamina and that means uh... let's call it dancing... at least two or three times a night. But Antonio has experience, which usually translates into more staying power in the ballroom if you get my drift and let's face it, I'm usually so tired I'd only be up for one dance a night anyway.

2. Physical Condition Hands down or hands on, it's Mario. Antonio may be buff and look fine in his tuxedo but 46 naked will never by 33 naked. Mario's skin probably still has a lot of elasticity and as you can see in the above photo, the boy is CUT! I bet you could bounce a quarter off his ass.

3. Talent/Intelligence Compare their resumes at www.imdb.com. Antonio totally comes out on top in this category. Sure, not all of his movies were blockbusters, but he's made some excellent career choices. He can sing, dance AND act. Mario just looked hot in his one-piece wrestling outfit on "Saved by the Bell". And if you watch the behind-the-scenes training on DWTS, you'll see that when he's not shaking hips hot enough to fry an egg on, he's acting like a 10 year old boy. Sure, Antonio isn't afraid to be silly (Puss in Boots in "Shrek") but he's a grown-up and you'd never use his name and "boy" in the same sentence.

4. Smolder factor Mario simply does not have it. Even when he's making moves that make you picture him writhing naked on your sheets, he doesn't have what it takes to make a woman melt. Just one look from Antonio and I have change my dancing tights. Add the accent to the look and all you want to do is tango forever with the man.

Sure, if my husband ever passed away and I had all the insurance money and needed a "Juan, the Cabana Boy" to go on a cruise with, I'd choose Mario. But for the long run, it would be Antonio who will probably be just as sexy at eighty as he is now.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

I need to get a life. Seriously.

Vast right wing conspiracy and true forgiveness

2006-10-09T08:56:00.000-04:00

Years ago, when Hilary Clinton spoke of a vast right wing conspiracy, I laughed like this... "Ha, ha, ha." Even though I am a liberal through and through, I don't believe in conspiracies, vast or otherwise, even if the Smoking Man is present. However, as the Bush years drag so slooooowly by, I'm beginning to believe Hilary.

First, there was the whole "War on Terrorism" includes Iraq hoax. Then, after the 9/11 commission finished their work, there was sharp criticism of the Clinton administration and it's lack of agression regarding Osama Bin Laden. Hmmm. When Clinton tried to kill Osama, didn't the Republicans claim he was only doing so to divert attention from his shennanigans with Miss Lewinsky, that there was no real threat coming from that quarter? And now when it looks like they might be blamed for the lack of national security, they want to make it look like it was their idea to kill Osama and not Clinton's.

But the one that absolutely kills me is this whole Foley scandal. The dude smugly prided himself on protecting our innocent children while he was trying to lure them into bed! So, what do the Republicans do to cover their asses? Oh, he was molested when he was a child, he's gay and he's an alcoholic. Because being a drunken, homo victim sounds so much better then pedophile. Did the Democrats claim that Clinton had can't-keep-little-Willy-in-his-pants-itis? Uh, no. Clinton, after making the initial mistake of lying, took his medicine like a man. But enough about the idiots running our country.

After the Amish school shootings last week, the Amish people forgave the gunman, invited his widow and children to attend the funerals of their children, attended his funeral and when a fund was set up for their hospital bills, they demanded one be set up for the gunman's family.
It is humbling to see such strong faith and conviction in one's religion and way of life. I know I could never forgive the murderer of one of my children. Even though I know it's the right thing to do, especially if he or she were mentally ill, I don't think I could do it. Everyone could learn a lesson about faith, love and simple human kindness from these fine people.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

Random acts of kindness do make a difference. What was that saying, "although you may not accomplish great things, you can do small things with great love."

Yeah, Hitler was big on banning books, too.

2006-10-04T12:23:00.000-04:00

Only ignorant people ban books.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15127464/

This woman in Georgia wants to ban Harry Potter books from the library because she believes they are an evil attempt to indoctrinate children in the Wicca religion. She is the mother of four and a total moron. I've only read one Harry Potter book and see a story of overcoming typical childhood adversities in an extraordinary setting. Harry is kind to his friends and strives to do well at school. And if he had parents, he would be respectful to them, too. As the Board of Education pointed out to this narrow-minded twit, if they banned every book in the library that referred to witches, they'd have to throw out "MacBeth" and "Cinderella" too.

One of the reason that kids are fascinated with magical stories is the magic makes them feel powerful in a world where they are virtually powerless. When I was a kid, I wished for "Bewitched" or "I Dream of Jeannie" powers to complete my housework. Of course, it didn't work, but it didn't have me out in the backyard drawing pentagrams either. I also wish I was orphaned and discovered a "Secret Garden". That's what fiction is for. Imagining yourself in other worlds and other lives.

And reading sure beats the hell out of watching TV or playing violent video games. The beauty of the "Harry Potter" series is how it encourages kids to read a lot, because those books are huge. And, Miss Holy Roller, if you've raised your children in a strong Christian home, their faith should be able to withstand a little fantasy, just like yours does when you look, but don't touch the hot fifth grade male science teacher at the middle school.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

Throughout history, most book burnings and/or bannings have been executed by people who fear things that they cannot understand or beyond their experience. Read the Harry Potter series with your children and discuss the issues addressed that are relevant to them, such as the struggle between doing the right thing or giving into the dark side (i.e., peer pressure).

Grey, Ray and Gays

2006-09-29T09:47:00.000-04:00

Grey's Anatomy

Episode Two of the new season. Meredith still can't make her mind up between McDreamy and Finn. Poor girl. Life is so tough. Here would be a great plot twist. Taking a cue from Frankenstein, Meredith (who is a surgeon, after all),
takes the best parts of each man and creates one super hot, super sensitive guy. Man, I so should be writing for TV. What else is going on.... Addison is back with Mark, who if you ask me, is ten times hotter than McDreamy. Izzie is making twelve millions muffins as she grieves for Denny. Honey, there aren't enough muffins in the world to make up for the loss of the absolutely hottest guy on the show. Sigh. Why do all the good ones develop blood clots and die after transplant surgery?

Jeopardy

After Wednesday's show, I was dying to find out who would go up against Eric. My personal prediction, after rehearsing with all the other contestants, was that Ray would be the one to beat Eric. And I was right! A shame that wasn't a question on MY show. But Eric went down fighting. Again, some rather freaky categories, but all three contestants did well! Way to go, guys!

AND FINALLY...

Gays

Or more specifically, how far away political commercials are from talking about the issues and promoting the candidate paying for the ads. First, the only ads I saw during the primary focused on gay marriage and pro-life. In a state with a high unemployment rate and an educational crisis, all we're worried about are gay people getting married? Hey, the right should welcome gay marriage with open arms. Gay people don't need abortions. Two birds, one stone.

And now that we're actually into the heat of the campaign commercials... if you're paying $10,000 dollars for a tv spot to get yourself elected, don't you think you might want to oh, say, talk about YOURSELF? When I send out a resume, I don't fill the page with the inadequacies of the other people applying for the job. I make myself look good... noting my accomplishments and experience. What a novel idea it would be if politicians used the same method to get themselves elected! With all the laws that the FCC has to oversee political advertising, they should add one that forces a candidate to spend at least two-thirds of their spot speaking about their record/experience/plans for the future.

If you want to find out where the candidates actually stand on the issues and not just what they think of their opponents, Google your state/region. There are websites out there to help you make the choices that are right for you.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

In a scary world that gets scarier everyday, if you can find someone to love and who loves you, regardless of their sex, race or religion, you're ahead of the game. Gay marriage is not the death knoll of family values. It is a reaffirmation of what being a family is all about.

My Jeopardy Debut

2006-09-26T09:44:00.000-04:00

I was on Jeopardy last night. And I came in third place. My categories sucked sewage and I made two mistakes that cost me second place. Oh, and the dude who won had freaking bionic buzzer finger. Disappointed? Competitive, vain-about-IQ me, yes. The rest of me, no.

My two greatest fears were not making it to Final Jeopardy and screwing up the betting. Being in third allowed me to bet it allow so I didn't not have to engage in any mathematical supposition. If I had been forced to deduce the proper wager, my screen would have looked like this:

"If Eric has 12,800 and Brett has 7,760 and Brenda has 5,600, how much should she wager to beat them IF she has the right answer and they don't?"

But I just bet the whole wad AND I had the correct answer. I made it to Jeopardy and had I gotten the right gameboard, I could have been a one day champion. Mission accomplished.

The whole Jeopardy experience allowed me to step way outside of my box. I've been to Chicago, Los Angeles and have actually flown on an airplane. I have been reminded than I am so much more... that I can accomplish so much more than just being a mother and a commercial goddess. So, I'm on a mission. A slow mission to be sure, that will have to be crammed in between 40 hours of work and an infinite number of parenting hours. But I'm on my way.

DVD Reviews

"Derailed" I'm sure I've said somewhere that I love Clive Owen. And that I love him enough to watch him in a predictable movie that made me nervous. He plays a family man with an ailing daughter who meets an attractive stranger on a train (Jennifer Aniston). After a few innocent meetings, they end up in a hotel room. But before they can get their freak on, a man bursts into the room, robs them, beats Clive and rapes Jennifer. Then he begins to blackmail them. Movies about people pushed into a corner, especially when it involves a family, make me anxious. But it wasn't an awful movie. Just interesting. The surprise twists were not that surprising if you took the time to think about events instead of drooling over Clive. Jeopardy genius that I am, was able to do both.

"Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels" Guy Ritchie is a very smart movie maker. I can say that in spite of the fact he actually cast his wife (Madonna) in a starring role in one of his movies. A disparate cast of characters seemingly unconnected in the beginning, end up intertwined in wild plot that is funny as well as very violent. I didn't find this film as enjoyable as "Snatch" ( I highly recommend this movie) and I didn't have to use the subtitles to understand the English accents, but it is still worth watching.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

Carpe Diem. So, the whole Jeopardy took up five months of my life, but it was so worth it.

A quickie

2006-09-20T20:28:00.001-04:00

BOOK REVIEW

My friend Rebecca and I were discussing books and she's just begun Portnoy's Complaint by Phillip Roth. I'm reading Everyman, a more recent story of his. But I also recommended The Plot Against America (also by Roth) to her. It is the story of a Jewish boy who is living in American during the beginning of World War II. And instead of Franklin Roosevelt winning the 1940 Election, he loses to Charles Lindburgh. And for those of you who don't know, Lindburgh was a good friend of the Nazi Party. It's a very well-written alternate history. And the coolest part is at the end of the book, Roth tells you the truth about the famous people he included in his story and what really happened to them.

Then I recommended one of the most bizzare books I've ever read. Fermata by Nicholson Baker. Arno is 35 year old temp worker who believes he has the power to put the world on "hold" and do with it what he may. And it's usually graphically sexual acts that amuse Arno during these "fermata" periods. I only recommend this book to my more open-minded friends. I usually don't pass it along to readers of Patterson or Steele.

MOVIE REVIEW

"Pride & Prejudice". The one with Keira Knightly and a totally hot Mr. Darcy. You'll see a lot of faces you know and this film is another lovely edition of Miss Austen's story. I just love how this story can be told over and over again, in different millieus and centuries and still be make the viewer sigh longingly at each plot turn. You can't beat the classics.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOFSHEBA

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

Stolen from the Beatles and oh, so very true!

The world is full of stupid people

2006-09-13T07:38:00.000-04:00

I'm back! And there is a lot to cover.

1) Britney's planned c-section: Aside from the terrifying reality that those two people have procreated again, how stupid is planning a c-section just so you can decide when your baby is born? Come on, people, this is major abdominal surgery! It's not a toy! And if you can have your babies naturally, you should. Don't waste your statistical chances on dying on the table on making sure little what's-his-name is born a Taurus, rather than a Gemini. Save it for old age and important things like quadruple bypass surgery.

2) Bush's 9/11 speech: Using this most hallowed day to promote your war and your desire to torture people. For shame, Mr. President, for shame.

3) Bush supporters: And while we're on the subject, why do so many people blindly support this man? Blindly and belligerently support him. People whom I know to by highly intelligent, sit there and nod their heads when he declares the war in Iraq is the war on terrorism, as in the war we began in Afghanistan after 9/11, when in fact, this war has nothing to do with 9/11 or Al Qaeda. And these people won't even enter into a friendly debate about Bush either. It's their way or the highway. With his ability to stir this kind of single-minded blind devotion, I might worry that Bush is the Anti-Christ. However, I don't think he's smart enough for the job.

4) The dude who dropped the bolt for the space station: So, you're doing a few repairs out in space and you drop a bolt. Good luck finding that puppy. I don't know why, perhaps too much Nyquil, but that news story made me laugh my ass off. You can see the guy looking around and thinking, "Now where did that go?" as it floats off into deep space.

5) The season premiere of "Grey's Anatomy": Aside from the fact that I still am incredibly pissed off that Denny died, I cannot wait! I spent my sinus infection recovery time this weekend catching up on season 2. Will whiny, lispy Meredith choose McDreamy or the hot vet? Will Izzie ever practice medicine again? Will Denny's evil, indentical twin show up to claim his body? Will it all be just a bad dream, like Bobby on Dallas? And speaking of Denny, where was his family? I don't recall (although I was whacked out on Nyquil) any mention of a family. Did he just fall out of the sky? Maybe I shouldn't have watched the entire season at once. Made me think about it too much.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

Let no man, in mankind's fraility, consider his own good fortune, until life, at his death, is a memory without pain. I'm paraphrasing Oedipus Rex here, but you get the point.

The Truth about Parenting

2006-08-30T10:09:00.000-04:00

We've all rushed out and bought the "What to Expect" books and all of the latest parenting books on the market. And while most of them are quite comprehensive, often they overlook important subjects and some of them outright lie to you.

I'm here to debunk and/or alert you to some of these oversights/lies.

"You'll get to sleep after the first year" Ha! My kids are 12 and 8 and I have yet to get a good night's sleep! Either they're sick, had a bad dream, or just moving around enough to wake you. Or things are so blissfully quiet, you just know something is wrong and you have to go check on them. I don't see any relief in sight either. Soon they will be going out with their friends or dating.

"You should stay home when they're little" I've been a working mother since the moment I squatted in the supply closet to give birth then went right back out to my computer.
And when your kids are little, you can come home at the end of the day and devote all of your time to them. So, when they're little, the quality of time outweights the quantity. However, once they begin to attend school and start bringing home backpacks bulging with assignments and they sign up for sports, you now are suffering from a lack of quantity. Between getting homework done, attending practices and games and getting them ready for the following day, I have no time to get anything else done. More than ever, I wish I could afford to be a stay-at-home because there simply isn't enough time in the day.

"Make time for your marriage with a date night each week" Great! One more thing to put on my to-do list! And that's what it feels like when you've got kids and it's worse when you work outside of the home. Your husband/sex life is just one more chore to complete. To quote the comedy duo, The Mommy's, "at the end of the day, the only thing I want that is long and hard, is sleep." Yes, it is important to maintain your relationship with your spouse. But cut yourself some slack. You are not superwoman. And believe me, if your husband doesn't get sex at least once a week, he won't die. Really. He may believe he will, but he won't. Now, there are times when you can have sex and you really don't want to, but it shouldn't be all the time. The important thing is that you take time to talk to each other about what's going on in your lives and with your kids. And it's more important that you take time to rejuvenate yourself because...

No matter what the books tell you or how much your husband participates, you still do the majority of the parenting. Men will deny this. And in all fairness, my husband does do a lot. He works second shift so he can participate at school. He packs lunches. He does housework. But in the end, I bear the brunt of the parenting. I know when they're due for doctor's visits, what's happening in school, where we have to be for sporting events, what sizes they wear and when they need new clothes, shoes or supplies. And actually, I also take care of a lot of these things for my husband too. My mother always said every marriage should consist of a captain and a first mate. Two captains clash and two first mates never accomplish anything. Being captain isn't all it's cracked up to be. There's always a mutiny waiting over the next bounty.

Your plans will never go off without a hitch, ever again. It never ceases to amaze me how many people think they can maintain the same pre-child orderly world they lived in. You will never again be on time. You will be forced to change plans you made months ago at the very last minute. Basically, your life is no longer your own. Everything you do is now predicated on your child. Romantic dinner plans for the anniversary? Oops, sorry! Barfing baby! The trick is to learn to go with the flow. Make your plans but plan to have them disrupted. And you may be surprised to discover that some of your best times will come from those revised plans.

You will never ever go to the bathroom alone again. I swear there is a motion sensor that flashes light throughout the house whenever my butt touches the toilet seat or I set foot in the shower. They could ignore me the entire day, but the minute I enter the bathroom, they need me NOW... and it's not just the kids. My husband does the same thing. Which leads me to my final point...

Take the number of children you have and increase it by one. Again, he may help out and be supportive, but in the end, he's just one of them. As Peg Bundy said, "Men... God Bless them, they're children with paychecks"

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

Parenting is the hardest job you'll ever have, but the paycheck is priceless.

25th High School Reunion

2006-08-27T20:11:00.000-04:00

This year is my 25th high school reunion. Will I go? At first I said, "No way!" I went to my tenth, fresh off a divorce, with blonde hair and a hot body. Did I impress anyone with my new look? Uh, no. I ended up sitting at a table with the same five people with whom I shared a cafeteria table for four years. And the people I couldn't stand in high school? Still couldn't stand them. But then I got the call for "Jeopardy" and said, "Hell, yes, I'm going!" Win or lose, it was a nerd-makes-good story. Yet as of today, I'm still on the fence about the whole thing.

As I send my kids off for the first day of school tomorrow, I've been reflecting on my educational years. My youngest son is required to bring a stapler to school for the third grade. I felt it my parental duty to relate my third grade stapling story to him. A girl named Sharon Barnes decided she wanted to know what it felt like to staple her finger. Not the brightest crayon in the box. So she did it and to no one's surprise it hurt like hell. Lesson learned? Never staple your own flesh. Duh.

A shout out to some of my favorite teachers:

- Miss Benson, 6th grade. You made learning an enjoyable challenge.

- Mrs. Youel, 9th grade English. You told us, "there are no stupid books, only stupid people."
I still have to disagree with you there. But, you also taught us the basic structure of writing an
essay and that form has served me very well over the past 25 years.

- Mr. Youel, 10th grade history. Every kid needs a teacher like Mr. Youel. Fun, understanding
and he really knew his stuff.

- Miss Bonnie Brown, 12th grade English. You took the time with an Honors English class to
give us a remedial course in grammar. I still freak out if I use "this" without a corresponding
noun. Thank you.

And the letter I've been waiting to write for 25 years:

Dear Berea Board of Education,

In the tenth grade, I wanted to drop Geometry. I didn't need the math credit and even at 16, I knew that math at this level was not going to pertain to what I wanted to do with my life. But you wouldn't let me drop it.

So, I just wanted to let you know that in the past 25 years I have earned a Bachelor's Degree, had many part- and full-time jobs, been married twice, given birth to two children, buried a parent, and was a Jeopardy contestant. And in all of that time, never once was I required to figure out the hypotenuse of an isosceles triangle.

What I really needed to learn from math was how to balance my checkbook or to understand the ramifications of credit card interest. If these are not skills you are teaching your students today, then you should.

p.s. Thank you very much for the comprehensive sexual education class. Contrary to current belief, the knowledge of birth control did not turn me into a nymphomaniac immediately but did come in handy when my moral compass went askew in college.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

Education is a life-long process. Even after you've finished school, read - explore - discuss. Not only does learning open whole new worlds, continually challenging and enriching your brain can help stave off Alzheimer's.

LA and being thin

2006-08-23T17:05:00.000-04:00

At work today, I was telling my BFF and officemate, Camisha, that when I was in LA to film Jeopardy, I didn't worry about my weight at all. Normally, I'm always glancing in windowfronts as I walk by or double-checking myself in the mirror 18 times so whatever I'm wearing doesn't make me look too fat. But out there, even when I was dressed and doing the show (I did cheat with a panty girdle because while I don't mind looking thick, I do mind having tummy rolls), I never even gave it a second thought. Which is very strange because since I was 12, I have always worried about my weight and how it made me look.

Except when I was pregnant. I used to swim laps when I was pregnant with my oldest and friends would say, "Aren't you embarrassed to be seen in a bathing suit?" Hell, no! It was the first time I could wear one without having to worry about sucking in my tummy. I loved being pregnant and surprisingly, I never went overboard with the weight gain, staying withing the 35 pound limit. However, I did pack on the weight while breastfeeding and 12 years later, have yet to unpack it.

But I digress. Camisha thought I would have been more weight conscious in LA because of all the atrociously thin people out there. And let me tell you, if I ever get back to Rodeo Drive, I'm filling my purse with Oreo's to hand out to all those skeletal women out there shopping. Geez, how could they think they look good? My friend Valerie and I only went into one shop on that street and the woman who greeted us only offered to show us the purses that were 50% off (wow, half off $200... what a bargain for me!) but never mentioned the bikinis that were 75% off. It never occurred to me until I got home that she offered the purses because in once glance she determined we wouldn't fit into anything else in the store.

Maybe it was just the excitement of having one of your dreams come true or just the thrill of visiting someplace so far away and new. Or maybe I was just thankful I survived my first flight.
And what's even stranger? Other than trying to eat healthy and exercise daily for my health, I'm not really thinking about how much I weigh or how my clothes look since I got back home.
It's just plain weird, that's all.

And speaking of weird, I'm reading Living My Life, Emma Goldman's autobiography. If you don't know who she is, she was an anarchist who was deported to Russia during WWI and was a lot of other fascinating things, including a voracious reader like me. I always take a book with me if I think that I will have to wait for any period of time. So, I'm reading her recollection of being arrested while making a speech in Providence:

"It was the first time since 1893 that I had been arrested, but, constantly expecting to fall into the clutches of the law, I had made it a practice to carry a book with me when going to meetings"

That is so cool!

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

Children are great but they can suck the life right out of you.

Sex Education in the real world

2006-08-22T20:18:00.000-04:00

Two years ago, I went up against Operation Keepsake in our local school district because they wanted to teach our kids sex education with an abstinence only/pro-life agenda. Sure, abstinence is the only fool proof method of birth control. And it's worked... um... in the past 15 centuries, like NEVER! Teenage pregnancy is as story as old as the Pyramids. And the only reason it's such a big problem now is because the population a lot bigger than it was 100 years or so ago and girls don't get married anymore at 13 or 14.

And teaching abstinence only is dangerous. It's like teaching your kids how to drive but not showing them where the brake is, just because they've promised to drive responsibly. And it's not like back when we were teenagers and you mainly worried about pregnancy. You thought about disease, but back then, if it looked icky, you didn't touch it. But now the diseases can kill you. And you don't necessarily get them from just intercourse. There are junior high kids indulging in oral sex (boy recipients only... don't get me started on how that reflects on the current state of female self-esteem in the next generation) and don't seem to get that they can die from that, too. And what smells the most like the Republicans about the whole thing? The No Child Left Behind act requires teaching sex education this way in order for schools to receive their funding.

When I would spout off about this subject to other parents, they would just nod indulgently. But now, there is a high school in Canton that is veering away from the abstinence only program because 14 percent of their female population ended up pregnant due to sheer ignorance. Funniest thing? A reverend is spearheading the movement because his 15 year old parishioner came to him when she got pregnant and told him that her boyfriend had told her she wouldn 't get pregnant the first time and when she did, he accused her of sleeping around and dumped her.

The people from groups like Operation Keepsake believe that if you put birth control into the hands of young people, they will begin having sexual intercourse willy-nilly. Now, I had a comprehensive sex education when I was in ninth grade. I did not run out and have sex with the first boy I could find. I stayed pure until I was nearly 19. The fact that no boy in high school actually wanted to sleep with me may have had something to do with my chastity, but nevertheless, I refrained until I was older and then because I had been educated, I was able to make decisions that kept me safe from pregnancy and disease.

The other thing I object to in regards to the program, is they are pushing a pro-life agenda. In the fifth grade when they explained a baby's life in the womb, they told them that life begins at the moment of conception. Regardless of your personal beliefs, school is a place where children go to receive an unbiased education. Neither a pro-life or pro-choice agenda belong in public schools. And I don't even want to get into how much this program violates the whole separation of church and state doctrine.

If you have a child in middle school or higher, don't hesitate to talk to the school board about how sex education is taught in the schools. I know you can tell them about the birds and the bees at home, but let's face it... how many teenagers listen to their parents? So they need a reliable outside source, like school, to give them the straight (or gay, because there's nothing wrong with that) facts.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

You know what they call people who don't discuss sex and it's consequences honestly with their kids? Grandparents.

Things I like about being over forty

2006-08-21T17:38:00.000-04:00

Okay. So I said I didn't mind getting older then I bitched about it. And actually there are things I like about getting older such as:

- I really don't care what other people think of me. I don't mean in an evil way like being cruel or not bathing regularly. I mean that if I want to act goofy or dorky, I'll do it regardless of my audience. I'll wear what is comfortable, not what's in style. I'll state my opinions without caring how others perceive me... which me reminds me of one of Coach John Wooden's rules to live by
"be more interested in your character, which is what you really are, than in your reputation, which is what others perceive you to be." Good advice.

- And speaking of my opinions, I am also ready to do something about them. I went to Kent State where there was always someone was always protesting something. And I was too interested in partying to care. But now that I'm older, I feel confident and knowledgable enough to fight for the things I believe in, rather than just grouse about them over a few beers.

- I'm old enough to be thought of as a peer by my relatives, like aunts and uncles. And I'm finally old enough to get a seat at the grown-up table during the holidays. The only downside to being treated as an equal with older relatives is that occasionally they feel free to discuss their past sexual escapades, which even at 43, still carries a huge "eewwww!" factor.

MOVIE REVIEWS

This weekend, I watched:

"King Kong" When your kids start complaining about a scene going on too long and it contains cool special effects like huge flesh-eating dinosaurs, you know it's not good. Even some of the effects (when they're rowing to Skull Island) were "Land of the Lost" bad. It was way too long and the polar bear Coke commercial-like interlude with Kong and the chick seemed out of place. But the acting was okay, Kyle Chandler is still a hottie and your heart really goes out to the big old misunderstood monkey. Just glad I didn't pay a rental fee for it.

"A History of Violence" I was really hyped up to see this one, but it kind of let me down. A small town family man efficiently and coolly kills two men trying to rob his diner. He becomes a hero, his face all over TV and newspaper. Then another bunch of bad guys come to town. Bad guys who seem to know him by another name. A great premise, but I didn't feel like they gave it enough time to develop itself. When the movie ended, I was kind of surprised it was over so soon. Ed Harris is fabulous is the ugly bad guy and William Hurt is a hoot as the heartless other bad guy. But like a bag of plain rice cakes, it just left me feeling hungry for more.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

Drink deeply of good books (stole that from Coach Wooden, too)

Being Smart

2006-08-18T21:03:00.000-04:00

All of my life, I've known I was smart. I could read before I went to kindergarten. In high school and college, I knew I was above average smart because I was in the honors programs. Then when I got a job, I thought I was smarter than everyone else because I was well-read and college educated. And that's when I learned how dumb I truly was.

People can be all kinds of smart. Street, common sense, mechanically, creatively, technologically and many many many other smarts. For example, I cannot balance my checkbook without the help of my computer and I've never been able to figure how much to tip. And there are people who can do that all in their heads, but have never read anything by Shakespeare. I also learned that the difference between someone who is truly smart and someone who thinks they're smart is this: the person who thinks they're smart claim to know everything even when they don't while the truly smart person will always say "I don't know."

And when I was on Jeopardy (we will eventually finish that story, I promise) I met several people who were freakishly smart in a way that I am only above average smart. These are the ones you see on the show who run the physics category, but can't answer any of the pop culture questions. On a show last year, the following question came up: "His guitar solo in 'Stairway to Heaven' was legendary" and NO ONE KNEW THE ANSWER! I was appalled. And the honors people I knew in college were so freakishly smart they could barely function outside of the classroom.

I was thinking about being smart today at work because during the course of the long, long day I realized that while there are many, many, many ways to be smart, there is only one way to be stupid. And to quote my friend Forrest, Forrest Gump, "that's all I'm gonna say about that."

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

I'm so t-a-r-d tired I could f-a-r-t faint. I don't know what it means, it's something my dad always used to say. But that's the way I'm feeling right now.

Things I don't like about being over forty

2006-08-17T16:34:00.000-04:00

In general, my age has never bothered me. I was too busy being pregnant for the first time when I turned thirty and too busy wondering why in the hell I'd bought a house before I'd sold the one I had when I turned forty. And I hate people who say, "I'm not having any more birthdays!". Because you know what they call people who stop having birthdays? Dead.

However, just because I'm comfortable about my age, doesn't mean I have to like the way my body is aging. For example:

- Why does the hair on my head get lighter and the hair on my upper lip get darker? It is so unfair!

- When I was twenty, I had to adjust my bra straps so my boobs looked even. Now I have to check in the mirror every morning to make sure my nipples are both pointing in the same direction.

- My skin flaps in the wind. I had my arm propped up in the window while I was driving and I caught something fluttering out of the corner of my eye. It was the skin on my forearm. I was so horrified I almost wrecked the car.

- When I walk into a room to get something, I can't remember what I came in for. Well, that may not be just old age. It could have something to do with being a mom, too. That's why I pursued the Jeopardy opportunity now. I wanted to be on the show before my podium screen was blank because I couldn't remember my name.

But it's not just my body that I find disturbing. It's the rest of the world, too:

- If they hire a cute new guy at work, chances are, I'm old enough to be his mother.

- They've now created a new condition called "peri-menopause" that begins at 35, just because as women, we just don't suffer enough.

- My kids refer to my childhood as "back in the olden days".

- My mother refuses to acknowledge my age because it makes her feel old.

- Mammograms. I know they're necessary, but there has got to be a better way. I can't help but feel it's part of a vast male conspiracy and I won't change my mind about that until they begin testing for testicular cancer in the same way.

And if that's not bad enough, now when people just blindly assume that I'm pregnant (I have a wide middle and skinny appendages), I'm flattered that they think I'm youthful enough to be bearing offspring. Sad. Very sad.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

Some people get old and wise. Some people just get old.

Things every new school mom should know

2006-08-16T17:06:00.000-04:00

We interrupt our coverage of the Jeopardy contestant quest for this public service announcement:

It's back-to-school time again! And if you're a new school parent, here are a few tips from a seasoned veteran:

1) When purchasing the items on your child's supply list, purchase two or more of everything. With pencils, paper, crayons and the other things that get used on a daily basis, if you find a good sale, buy in bulk. Believe me, you're not going to get a box of crayons in December at the same price you paid in August. And if they don't use them all, you'll have some stashed away for next year. For special items (binders, folders, rulers, lunchboxes) buy one or two extra for emergencies. I keep a "supply" box filled with the surplus. But keep it hidden from the kids. They'll used it all up when you're not looking and not bother to tell you certain items need replenishing. Extra tip: For a paint smock, grab on older child's old shirt or pick up one for a buck at the Salvation Army.

2) Unless your kids are ready to move up a size, don't buy a whole new wardrobe for back-to-school. When my oldest son was in the early grades of elementary school, I would buy his entire fall wardrobe before school started. And then one year, he took a growth spurt between September and October and I was left a lot of brand-new clothes that didn't fit him. Most schools allow summer attire for the first few weeks of school, so pick up a few things off the clearance rack to freshen up their closets. And at the end of the previous school year, pick up some warmer clothes that are a little bigger off the clearance rack to get you through early fall. Then when they shoot up suddenly, or around Christmas (when there are some awesome sales), you'll have some extra cash on hand to replace everything they've outgrown. The same rule applies to shoes. Unless they're nasty or worn, don't buy new until they go up a size.

3) Don't let your kids clothes get them in trouble. T-shirts with sassy sayings are very in. So is a showing a lot of skin for girls. Don't think that just because it's elementary school, your child can get away with a negative message on a shirt or Daisy Duke shorts. And what you may think is cute or ok, may not be kosher with the school. So before you shop, call the school or the school board to check on the dress code.

4) You can drop off the tissues and baby wipes at open house. It's your child's first day of school and he's loaded down like a pack mule on a wagon train. Pack up the stuff that won't fit in his bookbag (tissues, baby wipes, gym shoes, art smock, etc.) and take it with you to the open house. Your child will already have a locker and desk assigned, so his things will have a place to go. Just remember to put a name on everything.

5) How to put a name on everything. No, you do not have to label every pencil. And not everything is easy to label. Like scissors. I use a small strip of white first aid tape on the outer blade. Or you can loop it around the handle and make a little flag. You can also use the first aid tape to label anything too dark to write on. IMPORTANT RULE: Never, ever, put your child's name on the outside of his backpack or lunch box, or anything like that. Do not buy personalized bags either. It's easy for predators to lure a child away if they know his or her name. And check your class roster before you label. In pre-school, there were three Sam's in my youngest son's class and until he was five, he thought his first name was spelled "Sam K dot". My point? If there is more than one child in the class with your child's name, you will have to include the last initial in your labeling. Or when they get a little older, just use the last name.

6) If your child has a medical condition or any special needs, remember to address them with the front office and the teacher BEFORE school starts. Up until a few years ago, children with asthma were not allowed to carry their inhalers to class, they had to be kept in the office. I had to scramble to get an exception to this rule when my son attended kindergarten because the distance from his classroom to the office could have been the difference between life and death. School staff and teachers are usually in the building two weeks before school starts, so call and let them be prepared to help your child when he arrives on his first day. And don't think you only have to do this in kindergarten. Even in a small school, you have to go over special instructions (and the subsequent paperwork) every year.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

A mother's work is never done.

Destiny calls!

2006-08-15T20:29:00.000-04:00

Our heroine anxiously awaits the phone call.....

About two weeks later, I get the call! I'm going to be on Jeopardy! Wahoo!!!!

But wait... it's in LA and I've never flown before. I will have to be heavily medicated to get on a plane, especially in a post 9/11 America. So, I suggested to my husband that we begin driving the Saturday before the taping and then we can leave that Wednesday evening and we'll all make it back in time for work. He informed me that he would have to be heavily medicated to drive cross-country with me and the children.

So, I put on my big girl panties and booked the non-stop flight. Then my mother, her best friend and my two sisters invited themselves along. And I invited my son's second grade teacher, who was also a friend and unbeknownst to me, a huge Jeopardy fan. I went to the doctor and got Xanax. I prayed to God a lot.

On the lighter side, my friend Camisha and I went clothes shopping, just like we had done before my trip to Chicago so I would be hippest chick on the show. Of course, each trip included food, so I was destined to also be the chunkiest chick on the show. And I studied as much as I could.

The two categories that scared me the most were geography and science. I read an atlas front two back about three times. The science part, well, I was never going to comprehend anything above basic biology, so I didn't even bother. Then I skimmed some opera and art history stuff.
All of this on top of being a full-time working mother and baseball coach. After I'd given the babysitter an unsigned check, I decided to quit studying before my head exploded.

Either I knew it or I didn't. It was in Alex's hands now.

Stay tuned for more....

Movie Review

Since I was talking about Harper Lee, I had to mention Truman Capote and now I have to recommend the film "Capote". This film is not a biography. It is the story of how Capote came
to write In Cold Blood. I'd read the book years ago and it's a well-written, yet disturbing story about a two killers who murder an entire famly in Kansas. If you can, read it before you watch the film. Phillip Seymour Hoffman does an incredible job in the title role. And the Harper Lee connection? She helped him research the book. Most of us remember Truman Capote as a smarmy little lisping gay man from the Studio 54 days, but "Capote" captures him in the prime of his career.

My favorite news story of the day

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/chi-0608150238aug15,0,791953.story?coll=chi-newsopinion-hed

They want to kick Pluto out of the planetary line-up! Recently, scientists have decided that they need to come up a universal definition of a planet and Pluto will probably not measure up. There are conceivably 20 or more recently discovered objects that could be called planets.
Don't our kids have enough pressure on them all ready? Now they would have to memorize 30 or more planets? And there goes that cute little song from Blue's Clues too. Damn.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

If you think it would be confusing to keep track of 30 or more planets, imagine how students must have felt when they revised that whole "everything revolves around the earth" thing.

Return of the Nerdi

2006-08-14T17:20:00.000-04:00

When we last met our heroine, she was traveling to Chicago to audtion for Jeopardy....

After long debates over "to fly or not to fly", my husband, children and I hopped into the car and headed to Chicago on a beautiful day in early June. After spending many exciting hours on the Indiana Turnpike, which included a lovely interlude with a state highway patrolman who was trying to catch us "riding dirty", we arrived in the Windy City. At rush hour. Yippee.

The Jeopardy audition was the following day at Navy Pier. My family went off on a boat tour of the river and lake, while I went hurtling toward my destiny in a cab. My destiny slowed down to a walk as I followed the sporadic signs for the audition. I swear the quest for the Holy Grail went faster than this trek. But at last, I arrived.

First, we filled out forms. Then the Jeopardy people came (exceptionally nice people, I might add) and took roll call. They photographed each of us. They gave a brief overview of the show and how to play. We took another 50 question test. And played a mock game.

It totally rocked! How cool to use the little buzzers and request the categories. If they never, ever called me, it would be all right. It was that much fun and now I knew I had the right stuff. In my mind, I was already a Jeopardy champion.

Stay tuned for more...

MOVIE REVIEW!!!!

This weekend, I watched "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" with Robert Downey Jr. and Val Kilmer. To gauge how much I LOVED this movie, you have to first understand how much I despise Val Kilmer. I don't know why. He's never done anything to me. But I can't stand him.

"Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" is very film noir, very funny and very smart. Downey is an actor who needs to be trained as a detective for a film role. Kilmer is hired to do the job. I can't tell you anymore or it will spoil the movie. But if you liked "LA Confidential" or "Pulp Fiction", you'll love this movie.

BOOK REVIEW

Believe it or not, I got to be 43 years old without ever reading To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee. And I only saw the movie about a year ago. But I picked it up at a garage sale last year and just got around to reading it. I know, I know. I'm trying out for Jeopardy, so I only read the "classics". Totally untrue. I just read them some of them time. And like everyone else I have to force myself to finish most of them. Not so with Mockingbird. Lyrically written in the way only Southern writers have, this book is simply a good read. No need to search for symbolism or profound messages. Everything you need to know about the story is right there in front of you. And now, I've just started Mockingbird: A Portrait of Harper Lee. So much of her novel (her ONLY novel) is taken from her own life. And the little boy who is her best friend in the book in based on none other than Truman Capote, her best friend in real life. And that would lead me to another movie review which will have to wait until tomorrow.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

The more room you have, the more stuff you accumulate.

The Quest Begins....

2006-04-24T17:30:00.000-04:00

A month ago, I took the on-line Jeopardy contestant test. It consisted of 50 questions that had to be answered in 10-15 minutes (I can't remember which, so I guess I'm screwed on ever becoming a 5 day champion!). I thought I did pretty well, like 40-45 out of 50. Then I got the email (cue angelic chorus of Hallelujah)... I'm going to Chicago to audition for the show.

Well, that is if I replied in time. The one rare time, I don't check my email for a 48 hour period, and the Jeopardy folks issue their summons. But, it says two business days, so I think I've made it. Now, I've just got to wait five days for the confirmation email disclosing the actual site of the ordination.

In the meantime, I must begin training. Like Rocky, I will guzzle raw eggs for breakfast and do one-handed push-ups. I will remove my contacts, wear my pop-bottle-bottom glasses and don black socks with my overly white tennis shoes to connect with my inner dork. Then I shall read voraciously and faithfully watch Jeopardy every night.

The Supreme Wisdom of the Queenosheba

Never give up. I didn't pass the first in-town audtion I went to, but now at last, I am finally on my way... look out, Alex, here I come!

Things women should never do past 30

2006-04-19T17:04:00.000-04:00

On a local morning show, I heard them listing a bunch of things men shouldn't do over 30...
Google the word "vagina"... high-five in a business situation. And that got me thinking about the things women should never do past 30:

1) Shop in the juniors department The clothes may still fit, but that doesn't mean you should wear them. The juniors department is for junior women, which means girls. Once you're past 30, you're no longer a girl. Really. I don't care how many times your father calls you his "little girl" or your senile grandmother refers to you as "that girl over there", you are a woman.

2) Have stuffed animals on your bed or in the back window of your car Again, you are a grown-up. Even if you collect stuffed animals, you should not display them in such a cute, childish manner. Buy a freaking curio cabinet.

3) Pass out at a party or in a bar bathroom stall and/or vomit and wake up with someone you don't know, more than once a year This kind of behavior really falls under "young and stupid" and everyone knows that "young and stupid" is only valid until age 25. Anything after that age is just pathetic. However, since every one is entitled to make mistakes, I'll give you the once a year clause.

4) Have a cute name for your boyfriend's genitals and share it with your friends I don't think I need to elaborate any further on this one.

5) Let boys win at games You should be dating men mature enough to lose to a girl. But never, ever confuse this with dating someone who's willing to be a loser

6) Still be looking for the "perfect" man By now you should know he doesn't exist.

7) Whip out your boobs in public No matter how good they look, they'll never again be 20 year old boobs, so keep them to yourself.

8) Take your dad with you to buy a car Or any other male. You should be able to be independent of men for everything. Even if you find one, they won't be around forever and you will need to do things on your own. But feel free to hire a hot 18 year old Latino boy to mow your lawn. That's okay.

9) Have more than two cats Three or more label you as "aspiring cat lady"

10) Use an “i” at the end of your name if it ends with a “y” The only acceptable reason for this is if your career goals include dancing naked around a pole while wearing four inch plastic heels.

11) Giggle or squeal anywhere outside of the bedroom This behavior may have made you attractive to the star quarterback, but men (unless they're much older) don't think it's cute any more and it makes other women want to slap you.

12) Use “But I love him!” as an excuse to stay in a relationship with an idiot We know we've all done it. But by now you should now that love alone is not enough to sustain a healthy relationship. So, stop making excuses for letting him treat you badly and move on. You're not getting any younger! And that brings up a little addendum to number 12. Don't marry the first guy that comes along just because you're over 30 and afraid of ending up alone. Remember, there are a lot of things worse than being alone. Like being married to an asshole.

(I had a #13, but unfortunately, I am superstitious about that number and can't bring myself to add it to the list. And it wasn't as good as the other ones anyway.)

Post Easter Meditations

2006-04-18T19:52:00.000-04:00

Saw a sign last week for "Easter At the Mall"... you came into the mall on Easter and you got a generic service at 10:45, an Easter Egg Hunt at 11:15 and a free slurpy with every Auntie Anne's pretzel(I made up the last part). It's just another sign of the Apocalypse... the resurrection of Christ, Our Lord, turned into a one-stop shopping event at the mall. What's next, the Sale of the Ascension at Abercrombie Fitch?

Watched the "The 40 Year Old Virgin" and "Seabiscuit". "Virgin" was hilarious. Ruder and cruder than "Wedding Crashers" it actually had an ending that offered some socially redeeming value and a very funny rendition of "Aquarius". "Seabiscuit" was the story of triumph over tragedy and the resilience of the human (and animal) spirit. A very good, heartwarming movie...
if you can get over Toby Maguire's Howdy Doody hairdo.

Finished Lunar Park by Bret Easton Ellis. Not quite sure if I liked it or not. The only other Ellis book I've read was American Psycho and while it was a smart, satirical look at the eighties, it was also incredibly gross and disturbing. And guess what? There are many references to that book in this one. So, I guess I would just give it an "okay".

My TV recommendation? "House". I love this show. The lead character on this show is wickedly funny and I just adore his no-nonsense bedside manner. And I can't write anymore glowing reviews about it because I have to get my lunch packed and shower taken so I can sit and watch the show in peace.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

Be excellent to each other. (I know, I stole it from Bill and Ted, but it is good advice)

Long time, no write

2006-04-07T12:58:00.000-04:00

I have been so busy the past month... baseball season is kicking in... there's a bond issue on the May 2 ballot that is evil and must be vanquished... plus work and keeping my oldest child from flunking out of the 6th grade... AND I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it... I'm swamped!

And I haven't been reading and writing as much as should have. Why? Because I discovered the Soap Net plays today's episode of "General Hospital" every evening at 10pm. And I can't stop watching!

Now, I really haven't been able to keep up with my soaps since the early 80's when I was in college and Luke and Laura got married. I'd get caught up in them during maternity leaves, but they never really stuck. Especially since kids who were born on the show while I was home with last child 8 years ago, are now teenagers and banging every living person in town.

But now that I can actually watch it on a daily basis, it's like only taking one puff of crack cocaine... it's not enough. And the show is bad... the story lines, the acting... and the actors who've been on the show since I started watching almost thirty years ago look like the "after" photos a lawyer would use during a plastic surgery malpractice suit.

Every night, I climb into my bed with my book, vowing not to watch another episode, but at 9:55, my hand starts creeping toward the remote and it starts all over again. I have to know if Sam has confronted Alexis about giving her up at birth. Or if Emily and Sonny have broken up or been killed by Sonny's enemies in the mob. Actually, the relationship is so ill-conceived and convoluted, I'm rooting for the mob hit.

But I'm going to stop. Starting tonight. I'm going to finish reading my book (A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby) and start another. If I don't, they're going to kick me out of the geek club.

Later...

Gave in and watched Friday's episode. Sonny and Emilyare sadly, still alive and pissing off everying in town with their idiotic relationship. Sam still hasn't told Alexis that she is her long-lost daughter and it's been, what, four freaking weeks since she found out? Inconceivable!

But I did finish the Nick Hornby book. And I know why I wasn't rushing to finish it... while it was well-written, the plot was rather lame. So, maybe it was just the total idiocy of the book rather than weakness of character that kept me watching "General Hospital".

We'll see on Monday at 10pm.....

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

Never get involved in land war in Asia. And never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

**All words in lavender were stolen from the most excellent movie ever, "The Princess Bride"

Putting things in perspective

2006-03-03T17:04:00.000-05:00

When I was a little girl, I remember listening to Helen Reddy sing "Delta Dawn" and the line, "she's 41 and her daddy still calls her baby" would always make me picture this old lady with stringy gray hair, sitting all hunched over at the bus station with her ratty, moldy suitcase. But I heard that song recently, and at age 42, picture a beautiful, vibrant yet insane woman poised expectantly upon a bench, a Louis Vitton bag by her side.

But I still have to remind myself that I'm over 40 and no longer wet behind the ears. Last summer, at a family picnic, I enthusiastically participated in a game of volleyball. It didn't occur to me at the time that my teammates and opponents were half my age. I kicked some serious volleyball butt. However, the next morning when I had to ask my husband to lift my legs off the bed and onto the floor and was unable to brush my teeth without wincing, I remembered my age.

And now it seems like every other week, another friend or colleague loses a parent. Another sign of getting older before you're ready to grow up. And when we discuss it among ourselves, we're all dismayed that so many parents have gone so quickly. Then we nod and say, "we're at the age now." It's a new ache each month and another parent gone.

Then, you figure you'd better start reading the obituaries to make sure you don't miss a funeral and suddenly you discover that a lot of those people who are out there dying are your age, too.
An old schoolmate or someone you used to work with drops dead of a heart attack. So, the next day we're all on the phone, making appointments for physicals before we drop dead too.

Getting older really isn't a whole lot of fun. But it sure beats the alternative.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

It's all part of the circle of life, Simba.

Some book reviews and a touch of disappointment

2006-02-23T18:09:00.000-05:00

Last week, I started writing some reviews of the books I'd read and right in the middle of the process, the computer kicked me out and I lost everything! Well, not exactly everything... I still have the house, the kids, the husband, the dog... but I did lose my work. So here are some secondhand, probably not quite as brilliant, reviews.

The Beatles by Bob Spitz. I came of age when disco was king (ugh) and turned to the music of the sixties for comfort. I went wild for the Beatles. And I thought I'd read everything there is to read about them. Until now. I was even going to pass on this book because I figured it would be redundant. I was wrong. This biography presented a brand new, very well-written view of the Beatles and how they came to be. Even when he covered the legendary events (bigger than Jesus, Paul is dead, etc.) it was in a refreshing new way. There were somethings, however, that I could have lived without knowing. Like that they all got the clap while in Hamburg and that John Lennon very well may have had sex with Brian Epstein. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but still TMI for me. If you've never read a word about them or you've read everything, you still should read this Beatles Biography.

Cell by Stephen King. It was scary, it was gory, it was classic Stephen King. People using their cell phones are suddenly turned into zombies. Not that you can't see that every day when you're behind someone who can't figure out to talk and drive at the same time. But in Cell, these people get downright violent... like you fantasize you could when you're behind the moron on the phone. Then the story gets a lot like The Stand. And even that's okay because that is my favorite Stephen King book. As a rule, I don't read scary books, but for the last 25 years I've read everything he's published just because I love to listen to him write.

Talk to the Hand by Lynn Truss. I'm afraid to write about this book at all. Truss is also the author of Eats, Shoots and Leaves, a book about zero tolerance for incorrect punctuation. So, if I break any rules, write it off to nerves. This book is about the utter rudeness of the world. And if I were a lesbian, Truss would be my soulmate. I've never met anyone who is annoyed by all the same things that I am annoyed by. If you hate people who never say 'thank you' when you hold the door open for them, or hate the fact that automated phone systems never offer a selection that allows you to speak to an actual person, or you are just fed up with people in general, you will love this book. It's short and very, very funny.

Well, I've read two more books since my blogging debacle last week, but I'll save them for later.
But here is a brief movie review. See "Crash". It's well-written, intricately crafted and very relevant.

Political ads suck

2006-02-09T17:19:00.000-05:00

I saw an ad today for a woman running for Congress. The first line of the ad was:

"Her grandfather was a steelworker."

What in the hell does that have to do with her representing me in Congress? How does her grandfather's occupation make her a better leader? There was a President named Buchanan. That's my last name, too. Maybe I should run in 2008. Well, actually aside from a few skeletons in my closet, I think I'd make a damn good president, however, carrying the same last name as a previous president does not qualify me as a candidate.

Then there was the ad for the guy running for governor that started out with a shot of the bible and claims that God has lot to do with the way he'll run the state. If, in fact, he is hearing the voice of God, I'm a little worried about his mental stability. I do believe that God does occasionally speak to us little people, but most of those who hear his voice are put on Lithium quickly. And with good reason.

Other selling points in this ad include:

Church attendance - You know, some of the nastiest people I've ever met, go to church every Sunday. And that's why I don't attend. The churches are filled with nasty-ass people.

Belief in marriage between a man and a woman - Which is good, because he is in fact, married to a woman. But men who doth protest too much against marriage are only doing so to mask their own latent homosexuality.

Belief in the sanctity of life - Great! But instead of fighting against a woman's right to choose, why don't we focus on stiffer sentences on those who abuse or molest children? And if you want to prevent abortions, a good way to start is educating kids about birth control. Trying to enforce abstinence has worked since... well, let's face it. It's never worked.

Somewhere in my ranting I lost my point about the governor dude. Don't we practice separation of church and state in this country? Like, wasn't that the entire point of America? So how can you tell me you're the best person for the job when you can't even adhere to the spirit of the Constitution? I'd vote for a used car salesperson before I voted for you. That's saying a lot because I really hate salespeople.

No wonder this country is going to hell in a handbasket.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

Oprah Winfrey in 2008. She's smart, she knows how to run big enterprises successfully and she admits when she's wrong. In short, she's a woman and that's who we need to straighten this mess out.

You can take the girl out of the trailer park....

2006-02-09T16:29:00.000-05:00

Britney Spears once again proves that being cute and rich does not make up for lack of brain power. Driving around with a baby on her lap. What a moron!

She claims she had been holding the baby on her lap, waiting for her bodyguard to return with the coffee from Starbucks, when she was attacked by paparazzi. So instead of putting the baby back in the seat, she just drove off with him on her lap. Wow! What a great mom! Hey, how about letting the bodyguard do his job while you climbed in the back to put the baby back in his seat? Just like those stupid bitches who leave their children in the car because they fell asleep on the way to the store, there is no justification for endangering your child's life.

Look, if you know they're going to be out there looking for you and if you're worried they pose a threat to your child, either send the bodyguard out alone to get the coffee or buy a freaking machine for your home. When there was a winter storm and I had to go out, I either left my child home with my husband or simply stayed home. Why? Because it was safer for the baby.

Sadly enough, many young women look up to Britney (wait... I almost puked writing that).
And now they're going to think if they're inconvenienced or in a hurry or worried, it's okay not to put the baby in the seat. And instead of saying "It is what it is" on national TV, she could have set her pride aside for a moment and mentioned how absolutely dangerous it is for a child to be in a car without a car seat.

Stupid is as stupid marries and procreates, I suppose.

********************************************************

And while we're on the subject of stupid people and children, let me take a moment to say that I'm sick and tired of people claiming they know what it's like to have kids because they have pets. Get a grip!

One, I can't leave my child home alone while I go to work until he's at least fourteen (that's in people years).

Two, being awakened at 2am for an outside poop is a little different than waking up to a barfing child with loose bowels and a fever of 104.

Three, pets love you unconditionally, your children don't.

Four, pets don't go through peer pressure, puberty or public school.

And five, if my child dies, I can't just go to the pound and get another one.

So stop comparing your pet to my kids. It's not the same.

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THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

If PETA is so concerned with keeping animals from suffering, why don't they go after all those crazy-ass people who insist on putting clothes on their animals or who stuff them in bags and carrying them everywhere they go? If that isn't animal cruelty, I don't know what is.

I hate TV Sweeps

2006-02-06T20:14:00.000-05:00

Other than for the obvious reasons a traffic director hates sweeps, I can't stand all the hype.

"Tonight, on ER... a case so horrible, you won't believe your eyes"

I watch that one, then they run the promo for next week

"On the next ER... a tragedy so huge, you'll have to see it to believe it."

Wow! I thought they said last week's show was the most incredible one EVER! And now next week is going to be even more incredible than that. Here's the promo I'm waiting for:

"On the next ER, it all goes KABLAM!"

Cool. No more promos, EVER!

But what I really hate are the local news "special reports".

"Tonight, on Channel 9, they're roaming the streets in packs... cat gangs!"

That was an actual promo that ran about six years ago. I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants! Cat gangs? Do they wear little bandannas with their colors on them? I could see them interviewing a gang member, his little kitty face blurred and his meows distorted so his peeps wouldn't know it was him. Please!

And now they're really getting desperate for stories:

"Tonight, on Channel 24... Breathing... it can kill you. Join Franksen Beans for this special report at 11"

I made that one up, but you get the point. They're all about scaring you into watching their show. Like the regular news isn't scary enough. Why don't they try a sweeps where all the stories they promote are inspirational? There has to be something good going on out there.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

When you're feeling depressed about your life, watch the evening news. As long as you see someone who is worse off than you are, you're doing all right and should stop whining.

Musings and movie reviews

2006-01-31T19:04:00.000-05:00

You've got to be kidding....

Being new to the blogging world, I decided to see what the other folks wrote about. So, I start browsing through the blogs on Blogger.com. About two blogs down from mine, there's a porn blog. Come back! At least wait until I finish... here's something to tide you over:

"Oh, Oh! Right there! Mmm.... yes! yes!"

Okay, where was I? Yes. I realized I'd stumbled upon a porn blog by the plethora of porn ads that preceded the actual writing, which looked just like my teaser, but strewn with dirty words. There were guys with two girls, girls with three guys, mom gang-bangs. And the final one? "Matures with Blacks". I kid you not. Not "old ladies with hot young ebony studs", but "matures", like some old broad is not going to buy the porn because it suggests she's old.
To quote my hero, the Wicked Witch of the West... "what a world! what a world!".

QUICK MOVIE REVIEWS

"Hotel Rwanda" The story of one man's courage during the 1994 massacre in Rwanda. It's like "Schindler's List". Hard to watch, but necessary. And Don Cheadle is one of our generations finest actors.

"Rabbit Proof Fence" The story of three young girls who run away from a reservation for half white/half aborigine children. They find their way home by following the rabbit proof fence that crisscrosses Australia. I watched this one with my kids and they were as impressed with the girls' courage as I was.

"Wedding Crashers" After two films about horrid racism and the courage to fight it, I needed this silly movie. Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson always end up playing Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson, but who does it better than they do? Toward the end, the story line drags a little too long, but it's still a freaking hilarious movie.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA (and Roseanne Rosannadanna)

It's always something.

Out of it

2006-01-29T18:43:00.000-05:00

I've had bronchitis for the last five days and am finally recovering. Of course, I start my period midway through the illness. There is nothing worse than a bad cough when you're menstrual.

And the worst part? All kinds of stuff going on in the news I want to comment on!

Abramoff's daughter cries after hearing Clooney's remark

I hate to see kids hurt or upset. But if Mr. Abramoff was so worried about his daughter, perhaps he would have went about his business in a more ethical manner. I think she's going to by crying a lot harder after he's sentenced to prison. So don't blame George. He wasn't the one who ripped off the Native Americans. And he's totally hot to boot. So leave him alone.

James Frey on "Oprah"

The only highlight of staying home sick on Thursday was seeing this live "Oprah". You know, we need Oprah as our president. She screwed up and she took full responsibility for it. That's not something you see every day. I love you, Oprah. When I grow up, I want to be just like you. But I digress.

First of all, I only read My Friend Leonard. And let me say, seeing James Frey lisping his way through a litany of lies has just ruined that reading experience for me. And it made me doubt the veracity of that story too. Frankly, I see a memoir as a subjective piece of work. I can't believe someone remembers every conversation verbatim. So, I may have felt sorry for him if I hadn't learned that he'd first tried to sell it as fiction. That tells you right there he made a lot of that shit up. Bad author bad!

Second, his editor can claim her innocence all she wants, but come on, sister. I work for a big corporation, too. And at the end of the day, we know it all comes down to the bottom line. They don't care about their employees, they don't care about their clients. They just care about their profits. And since there is no Sarbannes-Oxley law that covers the content of non-fiction books, there is no need to verify any of it. Sure, she was excited and moved by the book when she read it. And so were her colleagues. They didn't picture hordes of addicts rushing to rehab, inspired by Frey's work. All they saw were dollar signs.

K-FED RELEASES ALBUM

Why? Didn't you get enough face-time by marrying your little wife? Don't you think your fifteen minutes of fame are like, so fifteen minutes ago? It sickens me enough that you abandoned your pregnant girlfiend and other child to marry a rich young superstar and that you two actually procreated. But now you think you have talent? Please.

Coming out of the Closet

2006-01-24T19:03:00.001-05:00

Yes, I have a secret passion. A love that dare not speak it's name.

I am a Barry Manilow fan.

There. It's out in the open.

It all started in my youth when my youngest sister fell in love with Barry. She had all of his albums. I knew all the words and sang along. I took my sister to a concert or two.

During my years in rock'n'roll radio, I kept my love tucked away deep in my heart. Then eleven years ago, I moved to soft rock radio and was able to adore Barry openly. I even went with my sisters to his farewell concert last year. We had eleventh row seats and it was an awesome show. Other than the screaming hordes of pre- and post-menopausal women, the only bad thing about the evening was Barry grinding his hips to "Somewhere in the Night." Eeewww.

Favorite Barry album: This One's for You

Top Five Barry songs: I Am Your Child, Riders to the Stars, Jump Shout Boogie, Even Now and
I Don't Want to Walk Without You.

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Other dorky things I enjoy:

The Partridge Family
Brady Bunch re-runs
Jeopardy
Getting the word of the day from www.merriamwebster.com
"Billy Don't be a Hero" by Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods
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THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

If you spend your life worrying about what others think of you, you're going to waste a lot of time doing things you don't enjoy. Be a dork and be proud!

Things that make you go hmm...

2006-01-23T18:12:00.000-05:00

I heard that song at work today. And I realized that while I've been using that phrase for over 14 years now, I really can't stand the song.

Some other things I really cannot stand:

People who call for information and are unprepared. Example:

Caller: I heard a commercial a month ago about a study involving stupid people.

Me: Hold on, let me get you that number.... it's....

Caller: Wait... I have to get a pen/pencil

Gum-crackers. I have banned this annoying practice in my office and my home. I once abandoned a younger sibling on the roadside for doing it. I've threatened my husband and children with the same fate. Unfortunately, I can only suffer in stores and other public places. But a well-placed ankle bump with a grocery cart offers some satisfaction. And add to this list, people who chew gum and/or food with their mouth open or suck loudly on hard candy.

People at work who ask for instruction than either do whatever what they want to or come back five minutes later and say, "Now, I do this how?". Or people who do not read the notes I send back with their incorrect orders. Notes that usually explain what they need to correct. It's as stupid as throwing a treasure map overboard and waiting for the parrot to blurt out a clue.

But enough bitching.

BOOK REVIEW

A Short History of Tractors in Ukranian by Marina Lewycka.

Don't let the title fool you. This novel is the funny, bittersweet story of two feuding sisters who pull together to get rid of a 36 year old Ukranian floozy who is trying to remain in the country by marrying their recently widowed 80-something father. And when Valentina realizes her new husband is not the cash cow she'd been seeking, she becomes a very disgruntled wife. Her tirades, translated from Ukranian into broken English are hilarious; especally the whole squishy squashy flippy floppy rant. And amid all the chaos, the two sisters breach a lifetime of secrets to become a family once again.

DVD REVIEW

"The Ballad of Jack and Rose". If you like indie films, you'll love this one. A father and daughter who've lived in virtual soltude on the site of an old commune, are forced to let the rest of the world in as the father's health declines. The arrival of Jack's girlfriend and two strange sons, sends Rose into a hyperkinetic state of teenage rebellion. All of the staples of indie films ensue:
strange sex, inevitable tragedy, and ironic consequences. Still, Daniel Day Lewis, as always, is worth watching, even if you have to switch to the subtitle mode of your DVD player to understand what in the hell he's saying.

"Hitch". I would watch Will Smith clean his house for two hours. That's how much I like the guy. In this movie, he's a dating consultant who helps schlubs get courageous and make opportunities to get through three dates with the women of their dreams. Kevin James is one of the said schlubs and his storyline is endearing. The scene where Will teaches him how to dance is the best part of the entire movie. I would have liked this one better if it had stuck to Will and his clients. The love story between he and Eva Mendes seems strained and out of sync with Will's character. Oh, and she really can't act either.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

Never say never.

Sexual Healing

2006-01-20T19:37:00.000-05:00

Aside from his Munchausen by Proxy syndrome, the other thing my husband does to annoy me when I'm sick, is to offer sex as the cure.

Me: Ooh, my throat is sore.

Him: I know what will cure that.

Any illness, and he knows "what will make you feel better." I told him if that were true, they would call the show FU, rather than ER. I'm waiting for the day I sever a limb and he suggests some sexual healing. He also believes sex will cure anything that ails him, too.

Him: The weather must be changing, my back is killing me.

Me: Oh, that's too bad. Well, I'm going to take a shower.

Him: Need any help in there?

I sincerely doubt he's offering to scrub my back. He's like the kid who stays home sick from school with a stomachache that miraculously disappears when school is over and it's time to play outside.

Me: You know, it would be great if you could soap me up, rinse me down and boink me until my head bangs against the faucet, but gee, I wouldn't want to make your back any worse than it is.

Him: Oh, it's feeling a lot better now.

Me: Great! Now go clean under the couch.

If he ever keeled over, I wouldn't have to check the ABC's (airway, breathing and circulation). All I'd need to do was whisper "blowjob" in his ear. If his eyes fly open, he's alive. If not, I'm about to cash in a big insurance policy.

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QUEENOSHEBA'S FRIDAY NIGHT MOVIE SELECTION

"Shaun of the Dead". Even if you're not a horror fan, you will love the sick and twisted story of an ordinary drone named Shaun, who is so numbed by his boring life, he fails to notice that everyone around him has turned into the walking dead. Imagine "Night of the Living Dead" with an English cast and a sense of humor. And don't forget to watch the outtakes, especially the feature entitled "Holes" that fills in the backstory of certain characters.

QUEENOSHEBA'S WINTER WEEKEND BOOK SELECTION

"Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West" by Gregory Maguire. Wizard of Oz fans will love the passing allusions to the movie. Readers who enjoy the sci-fi/fantasy genre will enjoy Elphaba's fabulous journey from monster-child to politically active witch. The humor and Maguire's wonderful writing will keep you pinned under your comfy quilt; unable to put the book down until she reaches her inevitable end.

2006-01-19T19:23:00.000-05:00

Munchauesen by Proxy

My husband has a rare form of this disease. Instead of making himself ill to get attention, he mimics all of my illnesses to minimize their severity.

Here's how it works:

Him: What's up?

Her: My allergies are acting up and/or I think I'm getting a cold

Him: (hugely exaggerated sniff) Yeah, I know what you mean.

Now, the bad news is, the sniff makes me want to club him with his best cast-iron frying pan. The good news is, that when it's stomach flu, he doesn't vomit or have diarrhea to demonstrate how sick he is too.

I just once in our marriage want to be sick by myself. It's never just me who gets to lie down. If I go into the bedroom to go to sleep early, he'll fall asleep on the couch (burning up with fever, of course) while the children run willy-nilly through the house. Then I have to drag my sorry ass out of bed to restore order. Well, that's not really fair. If I am violently ill (as in been to the doctor and ingesting real prescription drugs), he does step up to the plate. But only then.

And that's not even the funniest part of his condition. Here's what happened last month.

Me: Man, I have some killer cramps.

Him: (moans, clutches lower back) Yeah, me too.

Me: Shut the hell up! You don't even have a flipping uterus, you freak!

You'd have thought that would have cured him. But one of these days I'm going to snap and when he starts having the same symptoms that I do, I'm going to kick him in the nuts and say:
"Oh look, now you do really feel worse than I do."

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A PRAYER REQUEST FROM THE QUEENOSHEBA

Please pray for 2 year old Daeshon Taylor. He was abused by his babysitter's 15 year old son and is fighting for his life. He needs all the help he can get. God bless you.

I hab a bad cod

2006-01-18T19:34:00.000-05:00

Translated, that's I have a bad cold. I survived the scourge of stomach flu that ran through my household last week, only to succumb to this evil virus. So, if anything I write doesn't make sense, you'll know why.

COACHING KIDS

This evening at indoor soccer practice, another mom and I were trying to decide whether or not we should return for another season of coaching. And we decided that it's not the kids we minded, it was their parents.

Last season, we had three asthmatic kids on our team. I wanted to name our team the Wheezers, but was outvoted. My point? Oh, yeah, the wheezing kids. The parents would either drop their kids off without their puffers or simply drop them off and leave without giving us a number to reach them. Now, I have an asthmatic kid (my oldest son) and know how quickly an attack can turn bad. And these folks would get missy with me when I told them their kid wouldn't play unless there was a responsible parent with a puffer on hand. Like my name wouldn't be the first one on the lawsuit if their kid died while in my care. Idiots.

But for the most part, the parents on our team were great. It was the parents on the other teams that were the real problem. They'd scream at our kids during the game, then scream at us. For crying out loud, the seven and eight year olds showed better sportsmanship than adults did.

So, I'm still on the fence about the whole thing. Maybe when I feel better I'll be able to make up my mind.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA:

My co-workers are amazed that I can coach children without harming them mentally or physically, because I am not the most patient person. But I explain to them that it's easier for me to deal with 7 years who act like 7 years olds, than with 40 year olds that act the same way.

A letter to Mariah Carey

2006-01-17T18:15:00.000-05:00

Dear Mariah,

I saw you on the Golden Globes last night. Your gown looked like party streamers trying to support two water balloons. There was no easy way to soften the blow. Sorry.

You are a smart, talented, beautiful woman. But honey, you're now longer a single digit size.
You're a little chunky-dunky and you need to face up to that. You can longer wear the same sizes or fashions you did when you are eighteen. Where is your self-respect? Your mirror?

You don't have to bare flesh to be sexy. Look at Pamela Anderson. She actually covered up her gigantic ta-ta's. Sure, it looked like she used a baby sling to hold those suckers up, but it she received raves on her outfit.

Believe me, you are by no means fat. I wish my "chunky-dunky" looked as good as yours. You have lovely curves that would be served better with a slinky, well cut dress that keeps your less than firm areas covered while accentuating your positive points.

So, come on, Mariah. Hire a new stylist. One with class. And took a good honest look at yourself in the mirror. Nothing is more embarrassing than a thick girl who still thinks she's thin.

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THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

What goes around, comes around. Just hope you're still around to see it.

And so it begins....

2006-01-16T16:16:00.000-05:00

Things I've been thinking about....

A recent article in Newsweek talked about the new popularity of scooters. Not the kind all of the kids are riding around on. The kind that the old people are taking up three lanes in the supermarket with. Young people are buying them. Missy Elliot used one during a performance.

So, are we becoming so ultimately lazy that we can't be bothered to walk anywhere or are companies beginning to market "old" as "cool" due to the wave of baby boomers that are cresting senior citizenship?

What's next? Catheters and colostomy bags so you don't have to interrupt your Play Station/XBox time? Feeding tubes so you don't have move from in front of the TV?

Walk, for God's sake while you still have the ability, you bunch of lazy morons!

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Skating with the Stars.

I suppose the "stars" who signed up for this gig are already one blade short of a skate already, so a head injury or two won't be detrimental.

My .."with the Stars" idea? "Plastic Surgery with the Stars". After five weeks of training, they assist plastic surgeons. Week one, they compete in liposuction and botox injections.

It's coming. Just you wait. Sadly enough, reality TV has yet to hit its nadir.

QUEENOSHEBA'S BOOK REVIEW:

This week, I read "Predator", the new Scarpetta novel by Patricia Cornwall. I'm not really happy that she's gone from first person narrative to third person in the last few books, but it was still a good read. As with all series books, they're basically the same, but you don't mind because like going back home to visit your old friends.

If you haven't read the Scarpetta novels and you like a smart mystery, I encourage you to start at the beginning. I believe the first one is "Postmortem". But don't bother with any of Cornwall's other books. They're all over the place. It's like she's trying too hard.

QUEENOSHEBA'S MOVIE REVIEW:

Okay, so I haven't been to the theater to see a new release since "The Incredibles". I work. I have two kids who play a lot of sports. So my reviews probably should be called "DVD Reviews."

In the past two weeks, I've seen:

Madagascar - the kids loved it and so did I. The penguins make the film.

Cinderella Man - Russell Crowe is divine (and pretty hot). The true story of James Braddock, a fighter who loses everything, including his ability to box, during the Depression is as inspiring as it is heartbreaking. And if you're a boxing fan, the fight scenes are great. And of course, Russell Crowe is so hot! Oh, I said that already. I love him. Shhh. Don't tell my husband.

The Upside of Anger - an indie film, with Joan Allen and Kevin Costner (who used to be my boyfriend back in the eighties, before Russell came along). It's a dark comedy about a woman with four daughters who is abandoned by her husband. Kevin Costner, plays her neighbor, an ex-baseball who drinks a lot. For those of you who had grown tired of seeing Costner playing morally superior underdogs, you'll love him as Denny. And Joan Allen as always, gives a strong performance. She's funny too.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

If David Lee Roth can get away with it, why can't I?

Here goes: Never fry bacon in the nude.