Sexual Healing
Aside from his Munchausen by Proxy syndrome, the other thing my husband does to annoy me when I'm sick, is to offer sex as the cure.
Me: Ooh, my throat is sore.
Him: I know what will cure that.
Any illness, and he knows "what will make you feel better." I told him if that were true, they would call the show FU, rather than ER. I'm waiting for the day I sever a limb and he suggests some sexual healing. He also believes sex will cure anything that ails him, too.
Him: The weather must be changing, my back is killing me.
Me: Oh, that's too bad. Well, I'm going to take a shower.
Him: Need any help in there?
I sincerely doubt he's offering to scrub my back. He's like the kid who stays home sick from school with a stomachache that miraculously disappears when school is over and it's time to play outside.
Me: You know, it would be great if you could soap me up, rinse me down and boink me until my head bangs against the faucet, but gee, I wouldn't want to make your back any worse than it is.
Him: Oh, it's feeling a lot better now.
Me: Great! Now go clean under the couch.
If he ever keeled over, I wouldn't have to check the ABC's (airway, breathing and circulation). All I'd need to do was whisper "blowjob" in his ear. If his eyes fly open, he's alive. If not, I'm about to cash in a big insurance policy.
******************************************************
QUEENOSHEBA'S FRIDAY NIGHT MOVIE SELECTION
"Shaun of the Dead". Even if you're not a horror fan, you will love the sick and twisted story of an ordinary drone named Shaun, who is so numbed by his boring life, he fails to notice that everyone around him has turned into the walking dead. Imagine "Night of the Living Dead" with an English cast and a sense of humor. And don't forget to watch the outtakes, especially the feature entitled "Holes" that fills in the backstory of certain characters.
QUEENOSHEBA'S WINTER WEEKEND BOOK SELECTION
"Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West" by Gregory Maguire. Wizard of Oz fans will love the passing allusions to the movie. Readers who enjoy the sci-fi/fantasy genre will enjoy Elphaba's fabulous journey from monster-child to politically active witch. The humor and Maguire's wonderful writing will keep you pinned under your comfy quilt; unable to put the book down until she reaches her inevitable end.
Me: Ooh, my throat is sore.
Him: I know what will cure that.
Any illness, and he knows "what will make you feel better." I told him if that were true, they would call the show FU, rather than ER. I'm waiting for the day I sever a limb and he suggests some sexual healing. He also believes sex will cure anything that ails him, too.
Him: The weather must be changing, my back is killing me.
Me: Oh, that's too bad. Well, I'm going to take a shower.
Him: Need any help in there?
I sincerely doubt he's offering to scrub my back. He's like the kid who stays home sick from school with a stomachache that miraculously disappears when school is over and it's time to play outside.
Me: You know, it would be great if you could soap me up, rinse me down and boink me until my head bangs against the faucet, but gee, I wouldn't want to make your back any worse than it is.
Him: Oh, it's feeling a lot better now.
Me: Great! Now go clean under the couch.
If he ever keeled over, I wouldn't have to check the ABC's (airway, breathing and circulation). All I'd need to do was whisper "blowjob" in his ear. If his eyes fly open, he's alive. If not, I'm about to cash in a big insurance policy.
******************************************************
QUEENOSHEBA'S FRIDAY NIGHT MOVIE SELECTION
"Shaun of the Dead". Even if you're not a horror fan, you will love the sick and twisted story of an ordinary drone named Shaun, who is so numbed by his boring life, he fails to notice that everyone around him has turned into the walking dead. Imagine "Night of the Living Dead" with an English cast and a sense of humor. And don't forget to watch the outtakes, especially the feature entitled "Holes" that fills in the backstory of certain characters.
QUEENOSHEBA'S WINTER WEEKEND BOOK SELECTION
"Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West" by Gregory Maguire. Wizard of Oz fans will love the passing allusions to the movie. Readers who enjoy the sci-fi/fantasy genre will enjoy Elphaba's fabulous journey from monster-child to politically active witch. The humor and Maguire's wonderful writing will keep you pinned under your comfy quilt; unable to put the book down until she reaches her inevitable end.
posted by Queenosheba @ 7:37 PM
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