FIVE IMPORTANT WORDS TO REMEMBER FOR A HEALTHY MARRIAGE

THE FIVE MOST IMPORTANT WORDS TO REMEMBER IN A MARRIAGE

TRUST If you can't trust your partner, your relationship is in serious trouble. I'm not just talking about fidelity or lying to each other. Knowing that each of you are pulling your weight in the relationship without constant supervision… paying the bills, taking care of the kids, getting the oil checked, putting the tube back on the toothpaste.

FORGIVE No marriage runs smoothly all the time. Big hurts and small slights are going to happen. You will never have a healthy relationship if you cannot forgive and move past these things. Forgiving is more for your own benefit than your spouses and forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. Let it go, but don’t let it happen again.

COMPROMISE You are two individuals bound by love. But you were raised in different settings, have opposite opinions and don't have the same tastes. So you have to learn how to mediate a middle ground that will give both of you satisfaction. And it can’t just be one partner who is doing all the compromising. Remember, you’ve got to give a little to get a little and no one is perfect. Not even you.

LAUGHTER If you don't share the same sense of humor, you're sunk. You need to be able to laugh together, at each other and at each other. Sometimes, a situation that could turn into a senseless argument can be diffused with a little humor. Being able to laugh when things are rough helps release tension. And laughter, when you’re sharing a private joke, is wonderfully intimate.

BERTHA This is the name of your future cell-mate slash girlfriend in the pen after you're convicted of killing your husband. How do you avoid bunking with Bertha? Communication. Don't let things fester. If he's doing something that's driving you crazy, tell him. You may find out that you're pretty annoying too, and he's been hovering over your sleeping form with a pillow clutched tightly in his hands. If you can't let each other know what you need, what you want or why the way he cracks his gum could lead to his premature demise, your marriage won't succeed. If you can't communicate productively, get some counseling.

Your mailbox is full

The other day at work, I decided to check my personal email. And I had ten items waiting for me.... all FROM me. Remind the older son to pick up his sports pictures from the high school office... don't forget to pick up vitamins at the store... an idea for the morning show... and a few other things I needed to remember. Either I'm getting old and forgetful, or I just send myself emails to make myself feel popular.

Since I'm already incredibly well-liked, I'm going to have to assume it's the former. Then I began to wonder why someone who can remember the name of Hitler's dog (Blondie) and all of the state capitols, cannot remember the day-to-day details of her own life. I also send myself voicemails, email myself at my work address and fill my work bag with post-it notes.

I've always been absent-minded. I wrote it off to my considerable intellect, and got used to setting the alarm clock ten minutes earlier so I would have time to look for my car keys each morning. But it has gotten so much worse lately. So, now the question comes down to, am I just getting older or is the mailbox in my life and my head so perpetually full that, like Outlook, it simply stops accepting new messages?
Probably both.

On the drive home from work today, I thought of a very clever line to finish this post with. But since I can't email myself or write a note while driving, and I've lost my cell phone that has a voice recorder on it, I got nothing.

FIVE THINGS WOMEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MEN

1. Sometimes a hot dog is just a hot dog
Other than getting sex, men really don’t have a lot of ulterior motives. Just take what they say at face value. Really. Your life will be so much simpler.

2. They get PMS, too
Everybody has a bad day or gets crabby. Don’t disrespect their moods. They’re just as real as yours, but without the physical misery.

3. Men are literal creatures
You think the problem is that he’s not listening. But a lot of the time, the problem is you’re assuming he knows what you want. Example: One morning, before my husband left for work, I said, “The bank deposit is on the counter”. That night when I came home, it was still there. I said, “Why didn’t you make the bank deposit?”. He said, “You didn’t tell me to”. As the mother of sons, I swear to you that you have to be very literal when speaking to men. Other than sexual, they don’t get innuendo, subtle hints or cryptic messages. Be very clear when you need something.

4. They don't pay a lot of attention to detail
That doesn’t mean you can pull the wool over their eyes. They’re really smarter than you give them credit for. But they just don’t care about a lot of the same details that you do. So unless it involves your kids not getting picked up from practice or habitually forgotten birthdays, just accept it and move on.

5. Don't take everything they do so personally
I know it seems like they stay up all night long thinking of ways to torture us, but it’s not true. It’s just that sometimes they don’t think. You just have to learn to tell the difference between what is unintentional and what isn’t.

FIVE THINGS MEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

1. Not everything we do and say is about sex
Seriously, we do Kegel exercises only because we don’t want to wear Depends when we’re in our forties. And when we tell you to put the hot dogs back in the refrigerator, it’s not an invitation to the boudoir, we really want those $5 a package Ball Parks back in the frig.

2. Our hormonal highway rides aren’t a picnic for us either.
At least you can get away from us. We’ve got nowhere to go.

3. You actually need to listen what we’re saying 95% of the time
It’s funny to joke with your buddies about how women talk all the time about nothing, but really, it’s only about 5% of the time… so, feel free to tune out about our awesome $20 brown suede boots or how much we can’t stand Becky’s new boyfriend, but pay attention the rest of the time because 95% of the time what you weren’t listening to, will be the basis for a future fight.

4. We pay attention to detail
Do you really think you can pull one over on us? You may assume the pair of mens’ underwear under your side of the bed belongs to you, but if we find a hair on your pillow that’s one shade different than ours, we’re at the DNA lab. And most of the time, the reason you don't know that we know right away, is because we’re also pretty good at denial.

5. Actions speak louder than words
You can tell us you love us a thousand times a day. But it doesn’t mean a thing if you don’t show us how much you love us. Give us a back rub that’s just a backrub. Take the kids to their playdate to give us some private time. Go to a musical with us. Be nice to our idiot brother.

What Would Jesus Do?

I'm not Catholic. If I met the Pope on the street and he wasn't wearing his pointy hat, I wouldn't recognize him. I ask the Lord to forgive my debts instead of my trespasses. I try to live a Christian life, but I do not attend church on a regular basis. Like Emily Dickinson, I keep the Sabbath staying at home.

But my lack of desire to worship with my fellow man has not dampened the sorrow I feel for the many Catholics in Northeast Ohio who are about to lose their home parish. These parishes are family traditions and refuges in neighborhoods that aren't so neighborly anymore. Not only do they tend the flock, many of them educate the young. When I think about the senior citizens who used to walk to church who will now have to find transportation to another church, it breaks my heart.

Maybe because I don't practice the faith, I shouldn't be judging their actions. I just think it's a shame that one of the wealthiest non-profit organizations in the world cannot come up with the money to keep churches open to give people aid and comfort during these dark times. Perhaps they've forgotten that these people they're turning out are the same people who continued to abide by the Catholic faith when scandal after scandal rocked its foundations.

Financially, closing parishes may make sense, but spiritually, it's never prudent to cut back on hope.

What scary movies teach you

My boys have been bugging me for the past year to rent scary movies... like "The Ring" or "The Grudge" and I've been very adamant about not giving in to them. First and foremost, most of the big horror flicks are way too frightening and inappropriate. And second, I'm the world's biggest chicken when it comes to scary stuff, especially if they have creepy little kids in them.

Now that Sam is 11, I thought we'd try out a few mild scary movies to test the waters. Over the past month or so, we've watched "Ghost Rider", "The Others", "Alien", "Poltergeist" and "The Sixth Sense". Only the last two have done any serious freaking out on the boys. They asked me if I'd go into the light after them (absolutely) and why don't people turn on the lights when they go into an empty room (that's just what people in scary movies do).

Because I'm always looking for an opportunity to educate my children, with each movie we established a list of rules for not letting the monsters/ghosts/aliens get you. And they are:

1) NEVER, EVER MAKE A DEAL WITH SATAN. He is one bad dude and you should avoid him at all costs. Nothing is ever worth giving up your soul.

2)NEVER, EVER SEPARATE FROM THE GROUP… OR GO BACK FOR THE CAT. Safety in numbers and you can always get another pet. When they get older I'll add the teen slasher corollary... never sneak off to have sex with a skank because those are the kids the serial killer goes after. It's always the nice, non-skanky girls who live.

3) IF A VOICE IN THE HOUSE TELLS YOU TO GET OUT, GET OUT! I paused "Poltergeist" after Carol Ann got sucked into the TV and told the kids, "If that ever happens to one of you, the rest of us are packing up and leaving. You don't argue with evil spirits. And besides, you should have listened when I told you to stop sitting so close to the TV!"

4) IF ADULTS (ESPECIALLY DEAD ONES) SHOW AN UNHEALTHY INTEREST TOWARD YOU, RUN AWAY (BUT NOT TOWARD THE LIGHT) Live adults who pay an inordinate amount of attention to you may be pedophiles. Run, run, run!

5) IF YOU SEE DEAD PEOPLE, TELL YOUR MOTHER IMMEDIATELY Again, she may abandon you like she would if you were stuck in the TV. But then again, she would probably get you some help and medication.

Pro-weed Pro-tests

http://www.newsday.com/news/printedition/nation/ny-uskell116031442feb11,0,1961589.story

When I read this story about the legions of marijuana activists who were protesting Kellogg's release of Michael Phelps after the infamous bong photo, I laughed out loud. Stoners protesting by boycotting munchies. What kind of reefer madness is this? Aren't all tokers completely unmotivated and constantly hungry?

Once I stopped chuckling, I read the rest of the article and don't ever tell my kids I said this, but the stoners had a relevant point. Kellogg's hired Phelps despite a DUI conviction. Sure, it happened four years before he signed, and he did his community service to get it expunged from his record (big deal... you can type in "Phelps DUI" on Google and get the scoop), but it is the principle of the thing. The only thing smoking a little weed kills, are brain cells. Driving drunk kills people. If they were willing to take the "he's young and made a mistake" approach to the DUI, then they should be as gracious about the pot.

As a parent, the bong photo and the Kellogg's renunciation of Phelps creates an excellent teaching moment. If you break the law and disrespect your body with drugs, you will lose more than a few brain cells. There are consequences. Unfortunately, they have had to learn this lesson over and over again with the athletes they admire. A year and a half ago, my younger son threw away his Michael Vick jersey when he learned of his conviction for dogfighting.

We were sitting in the car, waiting for the bus when my boys first heard the story and they were visibly disgusted with Phelps, whom they had greatly admired before, during and after the Olympics. I commend Kellogg's for removing Phelps from the cereal boxes that sit in front of kids, every morning on kitchen tables across America. But maybe Kellogg's should have put more thought into making the offer to Phelps in the first place, based on his past behavior. Because if Tony the Tiger shouldn't toke, he shouldn't be driving while tipsy either.

Eight is enough and enough is enough.

I don't care if she's not married. I don't care if she's living with her parents. I do care that she's carelessly bringing children into this world; children whom she is putting at risk, merely by the way she conceived them. And what I'm really surprised about is that nobody seems to care that she is probably mentally ill.

My birth mother was a paranoid schizophrenic and she continued to have children after she was told it was no longer safe mentally or physically. When my youngest sister was 6 weeks old, she had a major breakdown and we never lived with her as a family, on a full-time basis, again. There are stories of women who kill or abuse their children, but keep having them compulsively. In 1983, Diane Downs tried to kill her three children because they were interfering with her love life, and yet was pregnant at the time of her trial. Because she loved children so much? No, because having children somehow made her the center of the universe. My personal theory is that these woman crave unconditional love and keep having babies to satisfy this craving, which it never does.

Instead of giving her all of this media face-time, she should be getting some one-on-one time with a psychaitrist. Those babies are going to face enough obstacles in their lifetime. Their mother shouldn't be one of them.