FIVE THINGS WOMEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MEN

1. Sometimes a hot dog is just a hot dog
Other than getting sex, men really don’t have a lot of ulterior motives. Just take what they say at face value. Really. Your life will be so much simpler.

2. They get PMS, too
Everybody has a bad day or gets crabby. Don’t disrespect their moods. They’re just as real as yours, but without the physical misery.

3. Men are literal creatures
You think the problem is that he’s not listening. But a lot of the time, the problem is you’re assuming he knows what you want. Example: One morning, before my husband left for work, I said, “The bank deposit is on the counter”. That night when I came home, it was still there. I said, “Why didn’t you make the bank deposit?”. He said, “You didn’t tell me to”. As the mother of sons, I swear to you that you have to be very literal when speaking to men. Other than sexual, they don’t get innuendo, subtle hints or cryptic messages. Be very clear when you need something.

4. They don't pay a lot of attention to detail
That doesn’t mean you can pull the wool over their eyes. They’re really smarter than you give them credit for. But they just don’t care about a lot of the same details that you do. So unless it involves your kids not getting picked up from practice or habitually forgotten birthdays, just accept it and move on.

5. Don't take everything they do so personally
I know it seems like they stay up all night long thinking of ways to torture us, but it’s not true. It’s just that sometimes they don’t think. You just have to learn to tell the difference between what is unintentional and what isn’t.

FIVE THINGS MEN NEED TO KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

1. Not everything we do and say is about sex
Seriously, we do Kegel exercises only because we don’t want to wear Depends when we’re in our forties. And when we tell you to put the hot dogs back in the refrigerator, it’s not an invitation to the boudoir, we really want those $5 a package Ball Parks back in the frig.

2. Our hormonal highway rides aren’t a picnic for us either.
At least you can get away from us. We’ve got nowhere to go.

3. You actually need to listen what we’re saying 95% of the time
It’s funny to joke with your buddies about how women talk all the time about nothing, but really, it’s only about 5% of the time… so, feel free to tune out about our awesome $20 brown suede boots or how much we can’t stand Becky’s new boyfriend, but pay attention the rest of the time because 95% of the time what you weren’t listening to, will be the basis for a future fight.

4. We pay attention to detail
Do you really think you can pull one over on us? You may assume the pair of mens’ underwear under your side of the bed belongs to you, but if we find a hair on your pillow that’s one shade different than ours, we’re at the DNA lab. And most of the time, the reason you don't know that we know right away, is because we’re also pretty good at denial.

5. Actions speak louder than words
You can tell us you love us a thousand times a day. But it doesn’t mean a thing if you don’t show us how much you love us. Give us a back rub that’s just a backrub. Take the kids to their playdate to give us some private time. Go to a musical with us. Be nice to our idiot brother.

What Would Jesus Do?

I'm not Catholic. If I met the Pope on the street and he wasn't wearing his pointy hat, I wouldn't recognize him. I ask the Lord to forgive my debts instead of my trespasses. I try to live a Christian life, but I do not attend church on a regular basis. Like Emily Dickinson, I keep the Sabbath staying at home.

But my lack of desire to worship with my fellow man has not dampened the sorrow I feel for the many Catholics in Northeast Ohio who are about to lose their home parish. These parishes are family traditions and refuges in neighborhoods that aren't so neighborly anymore. Not only do they tend the flock, many of them educate the young. When I think about the senior citizens who used to walk to church who will now have to find transportation to another church, it breaks my heart.

Maybe because I don't practice the faith, I shouldn't be judging their actions. I just think it's a shame that one of the wealthiest non-profit organizations in the world cannot come up with the money to keep churches open to give people aid and comfort during these dark times. Perhaps they've forgotten that these people they're turning out are the same people who continued to abide by the Catholic faith when scandal after scandal rocked its foundations.

Financially, closing parishes may make sense, but spiritually, it's never prudent to cut back on hope.