Some book reviews and a touch of disappointment

Last week, I started writing some reviews of the books I'd read and right in the middle of the process, the computer kicked me out and I lost everything! Well, not exactly everything... I still have the house, the kids, the husband, the dog... but I did lose my work. So here are some secondhand, probably not quite as brilliant, reviews.

The Beatles by Bob Spitz. I came of age when disco was king (ugh) and turned to the music of the sixties for comfort. I went wild for the Beatles. And I thought I'd read everything there is to read about them. Until now. I was even going to pass on this book because I figured it would be redundant. I was wrong. This biography presented a brand new, very well-written view of the Beatles and how they came to be. Even when he covered the legendary events (bigger than Jesus, Paul is dead, etc.) it was in a refreshing new way. There were somethings, however, that I could have lived without knowing. Like that they all got the clap while in Hamburg and that John Lennon very well may have had sex with Brian Epstein. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but still TMI for me. If you've never read a word about them or you've read everything, you still should read this Beatles Biography.

Cell by Stephen King. It was scary, it was gory, it was classic Stephen King. People using their cell phones are suddenly turned into zombies. Not that you can't see that every day when you're behind someone who can't figure out to talk and drive at the same time. But in Cell, these people get downright violent... like you fantasize you could when you're behind the moron on the phone. Then the story gets a lot like The Stand. And even that's okay because that is my favorite Stephen King book. As a rule, I don't read scary books, but for the last 25 years I've read everything he's published just because I love to listen to him write.

Talk to the Hand by Lynn Truss. I'm afraid to write about this book at all. Truss is also the author of Eats, Shoots and Leaves, a book about zero tolerance for incorrect punctuation. So, if I break any rules, write it off to nerves. This book is about the utter rudeness of the world. And if I were a lesbian, Truss would be my soulmate. I've never met anyone who is annoyed by all the same things that I am annoyed by. If you hate people who never say 'thank you' when you hold the door open for them, or hate the fact that automated phone systems never offer a selection that allows you to speak to an actual person, or you are just fed up with people in general, you will love this book. It's short and very, very funny.

Well, I've read two more books since my blogging debacle last week, but I'll save them for later.
But here is a brief movie review. See "Crash". It's well-written, intricately crafted and very relevant.

Political ads suck

I saw an ad today for a woman running for Congress. The first line of the ad was:

"Her grandfather was a steelworker."

What in the hell does that have to do with her representing me in Congress? How does her grandfather's occupation make her a better leader? There was a President named Buchanan. That's my last name, too. Maybe I should run in 2008. Well, actually aside from a few skeletons in my closet, I think I'd make a damn good president, however, carrying the same last name as a previous president does not qualify me as a candidate.

Then there was the ad for the guy running for governor that started out with a shot of the bible and claims that God has lot to do with the way he'll run the state. If, in fact, he is hearing the voice of God, I'm a little worried about his mental stability. I do believe that God does occasionally speak to us little people, but most of those who hear his voice are put on Lithium quickly. And with good reason.

Other selling points in this ad include:

Church attendance - You know, some of the nastiest people I've ever met, go to church every Sunday. And that's why I don't attend. The churches are filled with nasty-ass people.

Belief in marriage between a man and a woman - Which is good, because he is in fact, married to a woman. But men who doth protest too much against marriage are only doing so to mask their own latent homosexuality.

Belief in the sanctity of life - Great! But instead of fighting against a woman's right to choose, why don't we focus on stiffer sentences on those who abuse or molest children? And if you want to prevent abortions, a good way to start is educating kids about birth control. Trying to enforce abstinence has worked since... well, let's face it. It's never worked.

Somewhere in my ranting I lost my point about the governor dude. Don't we practice separation of church and state in this country? Like, wasn't that the entire point of America? So how can you tell me you're the best person for the job when you can't even adhere to the spirit of the Constitution? I'd vote for a used car salesperson before I voted for you. That's saying a lot because I really hate salespeople.

No wonder this country is going to hell in a handbasket.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

Oprah Winfrey in 2008. She's smart, she knows how to run big enterprises successfully and she admits when she's wrong. In short, she's a woman and that's who we need to straighten this mess out.

You can take the girl out of the trailer park....

Britney Spears once again proves that being cute and rich does not make up for lack of brain power. Driving around with a baby on her lap. What a moron!

She claims she had been holding the baby on her lap, waiting for her bodyguard to return with the coffee from Starbucks, when she was attacked by paparazzi. So instead of putting the baby back in the seat, she just drove off with him on her lap. Wow! What a great mom! Hey, how about letting the bodyguard do his job while you climbed in the back to put the baby back in his seat? Just like those stupid bitches who leave their children in the car because they fell asleep on the way to the store, there is no justification for endangering your child's life.

Look, if you know they're going to be out there looking for you and if you're worried they pose a threat to your child, either send the bodyguard out alone to get the coffee or buy a freaking machine for your home. When there was a winter storm and I had to go out, I either left my child home with my husband or simply stayed home. Why? Because it was safer for the baby.

Sadly enough, many young women look up to Britney (wait... I almost puked writing that).
And now they're going to think if they're inconvenienced or in a hurry or worried, it's okay not to put the baby in the seat. And instead of saying "It is what it is" on national TV, she could have set her pride aside for a moment and mentioned how absolutely dangerous it is for a child to be in a car without a car seat.

Stupid is as stupid marries and procreates, I suppose.

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And while we're on the subject of stupid people and children, let me take a moment to say that I'm sick and tired of people claiming they know what it's like to have kids because they have pets. Get a grip!

One, I can't leave my child home alone while I go to work until he's at least fourteen (that's in people years).

Two, being awakened at 2am for an outside poop is a little different than waking up to a barfing child with loose bowels and a fever of 104.

Three, pets love you unconditionally, your children don't.

Four, pets don't go through peer pressure, puberty or public school.

And five, if my child dies, I can't just go to the pound and get another one.

So stop comparing your pet to my kids. It's not the same.

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THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

If PETA is so concerned with keeping animals from suffering, why don't they go after all those crazy-ass people who insist on putting clothes on their animals or who stuff them in bags and carrying them everywhere they go? If that isn't animal cruelty, I don't know what is.

I hate TV Sweeps

Other than for the obvious reasons a traffic director hates sweeps, I can't stand all the hype.

"Tonight, on ER... a case so horrible, you won't believe your eyes"

I watch that one, then they run the promo for next week

"On the next ER... a tragedy so huge, you'll have to see it to believe it."

Wow! I thought they said last week's show was the most incredible one EVER! And now next week is going to be even more incredible than that. Here's the promo I'm waiting for:

"On the next ER, it all goes KABLAM!"

Cool. No more promos, EVER!

But what I really hate are the local news "special reports".

"Tonight, on Channel 9, they're roaming the streets in packs... cat gangs!"

That was an actual promo that ran about six years ago. I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants! Cat gangs? Do they wear little bandannas with their colors on them? I could see them interviewing a gang member, his little kitty face blurred and his meows distorted so his peeps wouldn't know it was him. Please!

And now they're really getting desperate for stories:

"Tonight, on Channel 24... Breathing... it can kill you. Join Franksen Beans for this special report at 11"

I made that one up, but you get the point. They're all about scaring you into watching their show. Like the regular news isn't scary enough. Why don't they try a sweeps where all the stories they promote are inspirational? There has to be something good going on out there.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

When you're feeling depressed about your life, watch the evening news. As long as you see someone who is worse off than you are, you're doing all right and should stop whining.