The Quest Begins....

A month ago, I took the on-line Jeopardy contestant test. It consisted of 50 questions that had to be answered in 10-15 minutes (I can't remember which, so I guess I'm screwed on ever becoming a 5 day champion!). I thought I did pretty well, like 40-45 out of 50. Then I got the email (cue angelic chorus of Hallelujah)... I'm going to Chicago to audition for the show.

Well, that is if I replied in time. The one rare time, I don't check my email for a 48 hour period, and the Jeopardy folks issue their summons. But, it says two business days, so I think I've made it. Now, I've just got to wait five days for the confirmation email disclosing the actual site of the ordination.

In the meantime, I must begin training. Like Rocky, I will guzzle raw eggs for breakfast and do one-handed push-ups. I will remove my contacts, wear my pop-bottle-bottom glasses and don black socks with my overly white tennis shoes to connect with my inner dork. Then I shall read voraciously and faithfully watch Jeopardy every night.

The Supreme Wisdom of the Queenosheba

Never give up. I didn't pass the first in-town audtion I went to, but now at last, I am finally on my way... look out, Alex, here I come!

Things women should never do past 30

On a local morning show, I heard them listing a bunch of things men shouldn't do over 30...
Google the word "vagina"... high-five in a business situation. And that got me thinking about the things women should never do past 30:

1) Shop in the juniors department The clothes may still fit, but that doesn't mean you should wear them. The juniors department is for junior women, which means girls. Once you're past 30, you're no longer a girl. Really. I don't care how many times your father calls you his "little girl" or your senile grandmother refers to you as "that girl over there", you are a woman.

2) Have stuffed animals on your bed or in the back window of your car Again, you are a grown-up. Even if you collect stuffed animals, you should not display them in such a cute, childish manner. Buy a freaking curio cabinet.

3) Pass out at a party or in a bar bathroom stall and/or vomit and wake up with someone you don't know, more than once a year This kind of behavior really falls under "young and stupid" and everyone knows that "young and stupid" is only valid until age 25. Anything after that age is just pathetic. However, since every one is entitled to make mistakes, I'll give you the once a year clause.

4) Have a cute name for your boyfriend's genitals and share it with your friends I don't think I need to elaborate any further on this one.

5) Let boys win at games You should be dating men mature enough to lose to a girl. But never, ever confuse this with dating someone who's willing to be a loser

6) Still be looking for the "perfect" man By now you should know he doesn't exist.

7) Whip out your boobs in public No matter how good they look, they'll never again be 20 year old boobs, so keep them to yourself.

8) Take your dad with you to buy a car Or any other male. You should be able to be independent of men for everything. Even if you find one, they won't be around forever and you will need to do things on your own. But feel free to hire a hot 18 year old Latino boy to mow your lawn. That's okay.

9) Have more than two cats Three or more label you as "aspiring cat lady"

10) Use an “i” at the end of your name if it ends with a “y” The only acceptable reason for this is if your career goals include dancing naked around a pole while wearing four inch plastic heels.

11) Giggle or squeal anywhere outside of the bedroom This behavior may have made you attractive to the star quarterback, but men (unless they're much older) don't think it's cute any more and it makes other women want to slap you.

12) Use “But I love him!” as an excuse to stay in a relationship with an idiot We know we've all done it. But by now you should now that love alone is not enough to sustain a healthy relationship. So, stop making excuses for letting him treat you badly and move on. You're not getting any younger! And that brings up a little addendum to number 12. Don't marry the first guy that comes along just because you're over 30 and afraid of ending up alone. Remember, there are a lot of things worse than being alone. Like being married to an asshole.

(I had a #13, but unfortunately, I am superstitious about that number and can't bring myself to add it to the list. And it wasn't as good as the other ones anyway.)

Post Easter Meditations

Saw a sign last week for "Easter At the Mall"... you came into the mall on Easter and you got a generic service at 10:45, an Easter Egg Hunt at 11:15 and a free slurpy with every Auntie Anne's pretzel(I made up the last part). It's just another sign of the Apocalypse... the resurrection of Christ, Our Lord, turned into a one-stop shopping event at the mall. What's next, the Sale of the Ascension at Abercrombie Fitch?

Watched the "The 40 Year Old Virgin" and "Seabiscuit". "Virgin" was hilarious. Ruder and cruder than "Wedding Crashers" it actually had an ending that offered some socially redeeming value and a very funny rendition of "Aquarius". "Seabiscuit" was the story of triumph over tragedy and the resilience of the human (and animal) spirit. A very good, heartwarming movie...
if you can get over Toby Maguire's Howdy Doody hairdo.

Finished Lunar Park by Bret Easton Ellis. Not quite sure if I liked it or not. The only other Ellis book I've read was American Psycho and while it was a smart, satirical look at the eighties, it was also incredibly gross and disturbing. And guess what? There are many references to that book in this one. So, I guess I would just give it an "okay".

My TV recommendation? "House". I love this show. The lead character on this show is wickedly funny and I just adore his no-nonsense bedside manner. And I can't write anymore glowing reviews about it because I have to get my lunch packed and shower taken so I can sit and watch the show in peace.

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

Be excellent to each other. (I know, I stole it from Bill and Ted, but it is good advice)

Long time, no write

I have been so busy the past month... baseball season is kicking in... there's a bond issue on the May 2 ballot that is evil and must be vanquished... plus work and keeping my oldest child from flunking out of the 6th grade... AND I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it... I'm swamped!

And I haven't been reading and writing as much as should have. Why? Because I discovered the Soap Net plays today's episode of "General Hospital" every evening at 10pm. And I can't stop watching!

Now, I really haven't been able to keep up with my soaps since the early 80's when I was in college and Luke and Laura got married. I'd get caught up in them during maternity leaves, but they never really stuck. Especially since kids who were born on the show while I was home with last child 8 years ago, are now teenagers and banging every living person in town.

But now that I can actually watch it on a daily basis, it's like only taking one puff of crack cocaine... it's not enough. And the show is bad... the story lines, the acting... and the actors who've been on the show since I started watching almost thirty years ago look like the "after" photos a lawyer would use during a plastic surgery malpractice suit.

Every night, I climb into my bed with my book, vowing not to watch another episode, but at 9:55, my hand starts creeping toward the remote and it starts all over again. I have to know if Sam has confronted Alexis about giving her up at birth. Or if Emily and Sonny have broken up or been killed by Sonny's enemies in the mob. Actually, the relationship is so ill-conceived and convoluted, I'm rooting for the mob hit.

But I'm going to stop. Starting tonight. I'm going to finish reading my book (A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby) and start another. If I don't, they're going to kick me out of the geek club.

Later...

Gave in and watched Friday's episode. Sonny and Emilyare sadly, still alive and pissing off everying in town with their idiotic relationship. Sam still hasn't told Alexis that she is her long-lost daughter and it's been, what, four freaking weeks since she found out? Inconceivable!

But I did finish the Nick Hornby book. And I know why I wasn't rushing to finish it... while it was well-written, the plot was rather lame. So, maybe it was just the total idiocy of the book rather than weakness of character that kept me watching "General Hospital".

We'll see on Monday at 10pm.....

THE SUPREME WISDOM OF THE QUEENOSHEBA

Never get involved in land war in Asia. And never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

**All words in lavender were stolen from the most excellent movie ever, "The Princess Bride"